Entry 70: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 43

Welcome back to the descent. We have arrived at the penultimate chapter currently available in the My Immortal archive. Chapter 43 is a harrowing, sexually explicit car crash of narrative logic that brings all the disparate, incoherent threads of this fanfiction together into one deeply uncomfortable climax.

The MCR Song

Ebony enters the Great Hall and finds Draco Malfoy alone.

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!!!!!111

Draco is sitting in "deddly bloom" (deadly gloom?). He has also slit his wrists, which is treated not as a medical emergency requiring immediate hospitalization, but rather as an aesthetic mood indicator.

“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.

Draco screams "I'm not okay" (depressedly). This prompts Ebony to think of the My Chemical Romance song I'm Not Okay (I Promise). To comfort her actively bleeding boyfriend, she offers him a "pot cigarette." Tara Gilesbie’s understanding of crisis intervention is genuinely terrifying.

The Interruption and the Interrogation

Lupin and Mr. Norris suddenly "appearate" into the Great Hall.

“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed.

Mr. Norris the janitor—who, I must remind you, is canonically a cat named Mrs. Norris—complains about the students. Ebony immediately attacks them.

“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them. “Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

She casts "Pop addelum", which is apparently a chain-binding spell. She demands to know where Voldemort is, threatening to torture Lupin.

The Orgy and the Eructation (Revisited)

Satan (Voldemort) and Vampire (Harry Potter) run into the room. Harry apparently still does not realize that Satan is Voldemort, despite him being explicitly introduced as such.

What follows is an explicit, four-way sexual encounter in the Great Hall, while Lupin is chained up and forced to watch.

We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol.

Everyone took their "glocks" out. Except for Ebony, because she's a girl.

Glocks.

She means cocks.

Tara Gilesbie, attempting to write an explicit, multi-partner sexual encounter, accidentally armed every male character in the room with an Austrian 9mm semi-automatic pistol.

“Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists.

They are having sex, utilizing their "glocks", and pausing mid-coitus to cast torture curses on Remus Lupin because they are "sadists."

The Climax

This horrifying scenario is suddenly interrupted by the most spectacular entrance in the history of literature.

Suddenly……………………………………………….. ……………..a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11

A black car flies straight through the windows of the Great Hall. Snape is driving it.

I must rest. There is only one chapter left. I can almost taste freedom.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington