Entry 69: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 42
Welcome back to the temporal abyss. Chapter 42 of My Immortal brings the 1980s excursion to a chaotic conclusion, featuring the greatest display of predictive incompetence in the history of fanfiction theory, and the transformation of a piece of consumer electronics into a vehicle for temporal displacement.
The Theory of the Horcrux
Tara opens the chapter with an Author's Note speculating on the plot of the upcoming seventh Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows).
I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111
Let us analyze this theory:
- Snape is actually Voldemort, because they are both half-bloods. This explains why Snape killed Dumbledore.
- Harry will have to commit suicide because he is a Horcrux.
Tara Gilesbie, the author who spelled "guitar" as "gutter" and turned Hedwig into a bisexual emo boy, accurately predicted that Harry Potter was a Horcrux and would have to willingly go to his death to defeat Voldemort.
This is the literary equivalent of a monkey at a typewriter successfully drafting Hamlet, but only the "To be or not to be" soliloquy, surrounded by feces. I am genuinely stunned.
She ruins the moment immediately by demanding that Harry and Draco get together, declaring that if they don't, J.K. Rowling is "hamophobic" (ham-phobic? Afraid of pork products?).
The Office Confrontation
Ebony, Satan (Voldemort), Hedwig (the boy), James, Sirius, Snape, and Lucius are in Dumbledore's office in 1980. Dumbledore has confiscated Ebony's iPod.
Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.
Dumbledore is sitting "cruelly" and listening to Avril Lavigne on an iPod in 1980. Apple released the iPod in 2001. Avril Lavigne released her debut album in 2002. Time is merely a suggestion in this universe.
Dumbledore threatens to send them all to "Akazaban" for "copolating" in the Great Hall.
The Transformation of the iPod
As Dumbledore changes the song to *NSYNC, Ebony notices something bizarre occurring with the Apple device.
Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece. “You fucking poser.” I muttoned. “I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11
Ebony "muttoned" an insult. But the true horror is what the iPod is doing. It is "chonging."
The iPod is slowly transforming into Marty McFly's time machine (the DeLorean).
How does an iPod physically transform into a DeLorean while a man is holding it in his hands? Does the click wheel expand into a steering wheel? Does the headphone jack dilate into an exhaust pipe? Does Dumbledore not notice a two-ton stainless steel sports car materializing in his lap while he listens to "Bye Bye Bye"?
The Escape
Ebony grabs the iPod/DeLorean.
Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was………..Satan.
Only Satan (teenage Voldemort) jumps into the iPod/DeLorean with her. They travel back to the future, arriving in the Slytherin "conmen" room.
Satan is confused by his new surroundings.
“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice. “Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him. “Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered. “It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.
He asks what an "ipatch" is. She "yakked" the explanation.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way has successfully transported the teenage Dark Lord into the future using a musical device that transformed into an 80s movie prop.
We have two chapters left. Pray for me.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington