Entry 68: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 41

Welcome back to the temporal abyss. Following the brief respite of Chapter 39’s hacker intervention, Tara Gilesbie returns with a vengeance in Chapter 41. She attempts to reassert control over the narrative, resulting in a series of retcons so aggressive they border on violent.

The Author’s Rebuttal

Tara opens with her longest, most defensive Author’s Note yet, directly addressing the cyber-attack.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1.

She acknowledges the hack, insults the "prepz," and threatens self-harm if she receives any more flames. She then makes an impassioned casting suggestion for the upcoming Harry Potter film:

I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako.

Gerard Way. As Draco Malfoy. I will leave that image there for you to contemplate.

The 1980s

The narrative resumes. Ebony wakes up in the nurse’s office. She quickly realizes she has traveled through time again.

On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’

We are in 1980. Tara explicitly commands the reader to "imagin" that Marilyn Manson is an 80s gothic band because he is older than Panic! At The Disco. She has also retroactively applied eyeliner and gothic clothing to The Beatles via a calendar.

Voldemort (Satan) arrives.

Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11

Ebony almost "had an orgy." Given her previous use of this phrase, she means an orgasm. The "leather Jackson" has also returned.

The Retcons

Ebony tries to piece together how she arrived in 1980.

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

She theorizes that slitting her wrists acted as a temporal displacement mechanism. The Time-Toner and the DeLorean are apparently optional.

She then addresses the events of the "shootout" with Snape and James Potter.

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally.

She says this "indigoally" (indignantly?). Voldemort defends James.

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.

James Potter attempted to murder Lucius Malfoy with a handgun because he had a headache and was under a lot of stress.

Ebony accepts this excuse, noting that because James didn't actually shoot Lucius, "Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1." Tara has somehow managed to use a paradox to resolve the one-armed Malfoy continuity error she herself created by mistake.

The Hedwig Revelation

Ebony and Satan walk outside and encounter a "sexi goffik bi guy" wearing a Green Day shirt.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. “Dis is……Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

Hedwig.

Harry Potter’s snowy owl is a sexy, bisexual, gothic teenage boy wearing a Green Day shirt in 1980. He was also in the band XBlakXTearX, but had to drop out because he broke his arm.

“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

Voldemort used to date Hedwig the owl-boy.

I cannot process this. I refuse to process this. Join me next time for Chapter 42, assuming my cognitive functions have not completely shut down.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington