Entry 67: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 40
Welcome back to the disaster. Chapter 40 of My Immortal is a testament to the fact that evil never truly dies. The hacker, Coruscate Corruption, has discovered the manuscript for Tara's original, pre-hacked Chapter 40 in her draft documents, and decided to post it for the world to see.
Tara's gothic reign of terror resumes.
The Medical Ward
The chapter opens with Ebony waking up in the "Norse's offace" (nurse's office) in a "special gothik coffin."
Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.
Hagrid is in a "comma" because Harry and Draco "bet" (beat) him up.
Hagrid is a half-giant who stands over eight feet tall and is virtually immune to stunning spells. Yet, we are expected to believe that two emo teenagers successfully beat him into a comatose state off-screen. And Mr. Norris the janitor is there, cleaning the room.
The Time Travel Paradox
Voldemort suddenly appears, crying "tearz of blood al selective." Ebony asks him what's wrong. Before he can answer, he disappears, replaced by the adult versions of Sirius, Lucius, Professor Sinistra, Vampire, and B'loody Mary.
They explain what happened during the temporal shootout in the 1940s.
“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”
Ebony was shot by a "ballet" (bullet), but it couldn't kill her because she was from another time. This establishes a fascinating physical law within the My Immortal universe: temporal displacement renders one immune to kinetic energy.
The Espionage of Severus Snape
Lucius Malfoy holds out his arm. Ebony gasps. "He had two arms!"
Once again, Tara reminds us of the phantom amputation that was never actually written into the story. Lucius then reveals the truth about Snape's betrayal during the shootout.
“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James. “Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”
James Potter (who is somehow alive and present in the room) explains that Snape was possessed by... Snape.
Sirius adds that Snape was a "Death Dealer" (Death Eater). But Lucius reveals the true extent of Snape's depravity.
“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.”
Snape's ultimate crime was not being a double agent for Voldemort, nor initiating a shootout in a school, nor threatening to "rap" Draco. His ultimate crime was being a poser who didn't know who Good Charlotte was.
Hoes of Wax
They give Ebony presents (including a DVD of Corpse Bride). She asks where Draco is.
“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry.
Draco is watching "Hoes of Wax." She means House of Wax.
Ebony gets up "suicidally" (the adverbial decay is accelerating). She describes her underwear in painstaking detail, noting that her thong says "goffik gurl on the butt," and adding a parenthetical note offering to explain how her fishnets hook to her thong if the reader messages her privately.
They leave the "hospital's wings." Willow suggests they celebrate.
The nightmare continues. Join me next time for Chapter 41.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington