Entry 66: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 39
Welcome back. We have reached an unprecedented milestone in the history of My Immortal. Chapter 39 is not written by Tara Gilesbie.
It is written by a hacker.
The Security Breach
The chapter opens with an Author's Note from a user named "Coruscate Corruption."
AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.
Tara Gilesbie’s fanfiction.net account has been compromised. The password was apparently so weak that a self-described "bored troll" managed to crack it in under eight minutes.
Coruscate Corruption then proceeds to write a chapter specifically designed to execute the protagonist and obliterate the narrative framework Tara has spent 38 chapters constructing.
The Death of the Sue
The hacker does not waste time attempting to emulate Tara’s distinct dialect. The prose immediately shifts into standard English, and the objective is clear.
I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood. Satan kneeled down beside me. "Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"
Ebony (who the hacker accurately identifies as an "American retail wearing british vampire Sue") is dying. She tells Satan that she must "fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue," and promises to see him in hell.
Her body begins to glow and then incinerates into a pile of ashes.
The death of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, at the hands of a cyber-vandal. It is a moment of profound meta-narrative catharsis.
The Canon Restoration
The hacker’s final act is to undo the stylistic damage Tara has inflicted upon the Harry Potter universe.
A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed. All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.
The gothic curse is broken. The Hot Topic garments disintegrate. The characters are restored to their canonical appearances.
They begin to cheer and sing "Ding dong the sue is dead," before the brutal reality of the actual Harry Potter canon reasserts itself.
All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.
Sirius Black, Cedric Diggory, presumably Dumbledore (despite his cancer)—all drop dead instantly to align with the canonical timeline. Harry and Voldemort immediately resume their mortal combat.
In a final act of trolling, the hacker pairs off Draco and Hermione.
And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married.
And thus concludes the brief, glorious reign of Coruscate Corruption.
However, there are still five chapters remaining in the archive. I can only assume Tara will reclaim her account and unleash a wave of gothic retribution upon the timeline.
Join me next time for Chapter 40.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington