Entry 65: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 38
Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 38 of My Immortal details Ebony's romantic outing with the teenage Voldemort. It is a chapter that systematically dismantles chronology, logic, and the fundamentals of human biology.
The Author's Note and the Quiz
Tara opens the chapter by soliciting feedback on her imminent "vocation".
AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111
She challenges her critics to take her quiz to determine their gothic authenticity. I would gladly submit myself to this diagnostic tool if I could locate it, though I fear scoring as a "prep" might result in my immediate execution by a teenage vampire.
The Car and the Chronology Collapse
Ebony and Satan (Voldemort) get into his car. In the 1940s.
Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.
Tom Riddle, a penniless orphan living in a London orphanage during the Blitz, apparently owns a black car covered in pentagrams with a customized "666" license plate. "Stan" (Satan) starts to drive it.
They bond over their shared interests.
“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)
Voldemort—the future Dark Lord, currently residing in the 1940s—agrees that the lead singer of My Chemical Romance (born in 1977) is "fuking hot." They also smoke weed while Tara inserts an authorial command for her audience to "goez fux a bi guy".
Ebony casually asks Satan for the cure to Veritaserum addiction. He reveals that one must drink vampire blood. The plot, such as it is, advances by a millimeter.
The Excercist
They arrive at the movie theater in Hogsmeade to see "da Excercist."
We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.
The Exorcist (released in 1973) is apparently a slasher film about a "cereal killer" interrupting teenagers having sex. Tara Gilesbie has never seen The Exorcist. She has conflated it with Halloween or Friday the 13th, and then projected it thirty years into the past.
The Amnesia Potion
While Satan is watching the "cereal killer", Ebony attempts to drug him.
While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag.
She puts the Amnesia potion into his Nightmare Before Christmas cigar, which she then returns to his Emily the Strange bag. The anachronisms are so densely packed they are forming a singularity.
Satan smokes the cigar.
“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”
This is the greatest line in the entire fanfiction.
Satan informs her that the potion she just physically poured into his cigar has not been invented yet, and therefore it will not work. The ontological paradox of a physical object failing to function because of its own lack of historical invention is staggering.
The Murder
They begin to make out in the theater. A "prep" complains.
“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. “Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly……………………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.
Ebony murders a woman in the middle of a movie theater.
“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.
The preps scream. Everyone else craps (claps) because the teenage murderers look "so cute 2gether."
They leave the theater. Satan asks how she did that. She reveals she is a vampire. He is impressed.
Join me next time for Chapter 39. The end is near.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington