Entry 64: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 37
Welcome back. I am beginning to suspect that My Immortal is not a piece of fiction, but rather a digitized psychic attack. Chapter 37 provides further evidence for this theory, introducing a point-of-view shift so catastrophically mangled that it calls into question the very nature of identity within this universe.
The Approaching End
Tara opens with a logistical update in the Author's Note.
AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX.
She is going on "vocation" (vacation) on the "frist" of July. She will either end the "fik" or update it in "weex." We are hurtling toward the conclusion. I feel a profound sense of relief, tempered only by the knowledge that the remaining chapters will likely defy all known laws of physics.
The Point of View Collapse
The chapter formally begins with an unprecedented structural shift:
DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL
We are in the mind of Draco Malfoy (Darko). He immediately informs us that he and Vampire have "chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor." Why? Unclear. Hagrid’s captivity is never mentioned again.
Ebony then outlines her new strategy for seducing Voldemort.
“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1” “But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”
Ebony wants to use "Amnesia potion" to make Satan (Voldemort) fall in love with her. Using an amnesiac to induce romance is a terrifying concept, but Vampire reassures her that she doesn't need it because she is "sexy and wonderful aneway Tata."
Harry Potter just called Ebony by the author's real name. Again. The self-insert is now completely transparent.
But then, the point of view begins to fracture.
“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.
"Darko" is speaking here. But then, only a few lines later:
Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room.
If this is Draco's point of view, who is the "I" that went to the room with Draco and "Ebory"?
The perspective has violently snapped back to Ebony, without any indication in the text. Draco's "pont of view" lasted for exactly six sentences.
The Wardrobe Update
They arrive at Professor Sinistra's room to find Tom Rid (the proprietor of Hot Topic) waiting for them.
I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.
Tom Rid has brought them "cloves" (clothes). The outfit includes the "stilton bootz" again. Tara is remarkably consistent with her cheese-based footwear typos.
The Administrative Chaos
Draco notices a sign on the wall regarding the current staffing situation at Hogwarts.
On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.
Let us review the current administrative status of Hogwarts:
- Professor Sinistra has been sent to Azkaban for being "too gottik."
- Dumbledore, who was sent to Azkaban in the previous chapter for having cancer, is now "bak" (presumably his cancer is in remission), but he is not the principal.
- This notice is signed by "Profesor Rumbridge."
Dumbledore immediately enters and begins to "shoot angrily."
The Time Machine
Ebony needs to escape Dumbledore and travel back in time. Fortunately, Tara Gilesbie has a solution.
Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire.
Marty McFly's black time machine.
The DeLorean from Back to the Future is parked in a Hogwarts office. Ebony jumps into it "seductivly" and travels back in time.
She arrives in "Profesor Slutborn’s efface" (office) and steals the Amnesia potion. The chapter ends as Professor "Slutgorn" walks in.
I have no words left. I am a husk. Join me next time for Chapter 38.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington