Entry 63: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 36

Welcome back. I am finding it increasingly difficult to string coherent thoughts together after reading this prose. Chapter 36 of My Immortal accelerates the plot in all the wrong directions, featuring the return of Ebony to the present, a staggering display of inappropriate student-teacher bonding, and a political coup staged by a character whose name I hesitate to type.

The Return to the Present and the Group Activity

The chapter begins with Ebony returning from her 1940s excursion. She finds her usual gaggle of boyfriends and gothic acolytes waiting for her, along with "Socrates". I can only assume she means Sirius Black.

“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Professor Trelawney (or Sinistra, or Trevolry, or whatever her name is this minute) greets her student by calling her a bitch in an "emo voice" while actively consuming her illicit truth serum. Ebony casually responds with "Hi fuker" and informs her teacher about her upcoming date with the teenage Dark Lord.

The solution to this temporal fashion crisis is obvious.

“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.

A teacher at Hogwarts suggests a "group cutting session" as a bonding activity before a shopping trip to Hot Topic. The absolute collapse of any boundary between adult educator and adolescent student is horrifying.

The Medical Needs

They decide they must gather supplies before the cutting session.

“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also…………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly.

Draco Malfoy (now "Darko") suggests they get "portions" (potions) to cure their teacher's addiction, as well as a love potion for Ebony to use on Voldemort. He says this "resultantly".

There is an almost Shakespearean tragedy to Draco Malfoy actively procuring a date-rape drug so his girlfriend can travel back in time to seduce the Dark Lord. It is a level of cuckoldry so complex it requires a temporal flow chart.

The New Administration

They go to Potions class, expecting Snape. Instead, they find the Minister of Magic.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was……………………………………………….Cornelio Fuck!11111

Cornelius Fudge. Cornelius Fudge has been renamed "Cornelio Fuck."

Draco demands to know where Dumbledore is. The Minister's response is a masterclass in Tara Gilesbie's narrative whiplash.

“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. “Now do ur work!111”

Dumbledore has been sent to Azkaban (or "Azkhabian", or Abkhazia). He is old, weak, and has cancer.

Dumbledore has cancer.

Tara has casually diagnosed the most powerful wizard in the world with a malignant tumor as a throwaway excuse for a political coup.

The teenagers, entirely unconcerned by the fact that their headmaster has been imprisoned and diagnosed with oncology's greatest foe, simply resume talking. "Cornelio Fuk" becomes enraged and threatens to fetch "Profesor Bridge" (Umbridge, one assumes).

The chapter ends with Ebony drinking a mixture of blood and beer, and spotting Hagrid in a cupboard.

I feel as though I am losing my grip on reality. Join me next time for Chapter 37.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington