Entry 62: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 35
Welcome back to the temporal abyss. Chapter 35 of My Immortal continues Ebony's excursion into the 1940s wizarding world, wherein we discover that practically every adult figure in the Harry Potter universe was secretly a teenage mall-goth who played in a band called XBlakXTearX.
The Ending is Nigh (And We Need a Name)
Tara opens the chapter with a merciful threat: "ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111". The end is in sight. We must merely endure the final spasms of this narrative collapse.
She then asks the audience for a favor: "oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz."
She needs a gothic name for Sirius Black. Sirius Black, whose canonical name translates to the "Dog Star, Black". A name so inherently dark and foreboding that JK Rowling literally built his entire character design around it. Tara requires a more gothic name than Sirius Black.
The Ghost of Draco Malfoy
Ebony enters the Slytherin "Conmen Room" and spots someone she believes to be Draco.
I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner. “Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped. “Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.
She "grasped" and "gosped". Lucius Malfoy (Lucan) is apparently identical to his future son, differentiated only by the fact that he "stil had two arms".
When did Draco Malfoy lose an arm? I have reviewed the previous 34 chapters. There is no mention of an amputation. Tara has casually dropped a major physiological trauma into the narrative to differentiate two characters who look alike because they are father and son.
XBlakXTearX and the Led Snigger
Lucius introduces Ebony to the rest of his "groop of sexxxy gottik guyz", who are currently "siting in a corner kutting".
The group consists of Sirius Black, James Potter (Vampire's dad), and Severus Snape (Snap).
They are in a band called XBlakXTearX. They are playing backup for Marilyn Manson tonight in Hogsment.
“Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”
The spelling degradation here is actively painful. Lucius plays "teh gutter" (guitar). "Spartacus" (presumably Sirius) plays the drums. Snape plays "the boss" (bass). James Potter also plays the guitar, but they call him "Samaro, after Samara in da ring."
The Ring, released in 2002, is apparently a foundational text for a group of teenagers living in 1940s Scotland.
Lucius reveals they need a new singer because their old one committed suicide.
“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.
A new led snigger.
The Boulevard of Broken Dremz
Ebony volunteers her services, citing her experience in her own band, "Blody Gothik Rose 666".
Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.
They play a song "by" Green Day, but Tara feels compelled to interrupt the narrative to clarify that she wrote "bi" because bisexual guys are sexy. The self-insertion of adolescent horniness is relentless.
“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).
Ebony sings Boulevard of Broken Dreams "sexily". Try to imagine singing that specific Green Day chorus in a seductive manner. It is impossible. It is a sonic atrocity.
Yet, the boys are enraptured. They beg her to join the band.
Join me next time for Chapter 36, where I can only assume Ebony will take the stage with Marilyn Manson, Tom Satan Riddle, and the led sniggers of XBlakXTearX.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington