Entry 61: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 34
Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 34 of My Immortal serves as a grim reminder that Tara Gilesbie’s universe is a lawless wasteland where names are fluid, geography is meaningless, and teachers are routinely dispatched to the Caucasus region for disciplinary infractions.
The Evolution of Sirius Black
The chapter begins with Ebony waking up and dressing in a "blak tight sexah drsss" with "blak stilton bo-ots". Unless she is wearing footwear made entirely of pungent English cheese, I assume she means stilettos.
She is interrupted by a knock at the door.
Suddenly……………….. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it. “Hi Ibony.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”
Sirius Black, having previously been "Serious," is now "Sorious." He "cocked" on the door. Ebony "hopened" it. Sorious informs "Ibony" that she must report to Professor Sinistra.
As they walk, Ebony asks what happened to Snape and Lupin following their torture session.
“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”
He answers in a "statistic" way. One assumes Tara meant sadistic, but given the mathematical horrors of this story, perhaps he presented her with a bar chart of their suffering.
More alarmingly, he reveals they are in "Abkhazian". Azkaban, the terrifying wizard prison guarded by Dementors in the middle of the North Sea, has been relocated to Abkhazia, a breakaway state in the South Caucasus recognized by only a handful of nations. I am desperate to know the geopolitical implications of the Ministry of Magic utilizing a disputed territory on the eastern coast of the Black Sea as a penal colony.
Ebony asks where Draco and Vampire are.
“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered. “Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily.
"Sorious" has now evolved into "Sodomize". Sirius Black is officially named Sodomize. The cognitive whiplash is enough to snap one's neck.
The Addiction of Professor Sinister
Ebony arrives at Professor Sinistra's office to find her drinking "Volximortserum" (Veritaserum).
“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”
Professor Sinistra is addicted to Veritaserum. She is drinking a powerful truth serum recreationally. While this is genuinely a fascinating concept for a dark magical narrative, Tara immediately abandons it, tasking Ebony with finding a cure in the past while simultaneously seducing Voldemort.
Professor Slutborn and The Exercise
Ebony jumps into the "Prinsive" and returns to the past, where she is once again eating Count Chocula next to teenage Voldemort (Satan).
She notices a teacher who looks like "Charlyn Manson" drinking a "portent."
“Whose he!11” I asked. “Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher……...Ebony?”
Horace Slughorn has arrived. He is now Professor Slutborn, and he teaches Portents. He is also wearing "Cronvrese" shoes.
Satan then asks Ebony on a date.
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.”
Marilyn Manson is apparently playing a gig in Hogsmeade in the 1940s. They are also showing "The Exercise" at the movies.
She means The Exorcist. They are going to see a movie about demonic possession released in 1973, followed by a concert from an industrial metal artist whose career peaked in the late 90s, while sitting in a magical Scottish village during World War II.
The chronological collapse is complete. We are adrift in the void. Join me next time for Chapter 35.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington