Entry 60: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 33
Welcome back to the temporal abyss. Chapter 33 of My Immortal serves as a horrifying intersection of sadism, voyeurism, and anatomical descriptions that defy both logic and biology.
The Missing Transition and Tom Anderson
The chapter opens mid-conversation between Ebony and an unidentified female character (likely Professor Sinistra/Trelawney) who appears to have been injured. Tara Gilesbie has entirely omitted the transition from Ebony's time-travel excursion back to the present day.
“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?” “Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?”
"St Manga's." The magical hospital has evolved from St. Mungo's, to St. Mango's, to St. Manga's, suggesting it is now entirely dedicated to treating injuries sustained while reading Japanese comic books.
But the true mystery is Tom Anderson. Who is Tom Anderson? The teenage Dark Lord's name is Tom Satan Riddle (formerly Tom Bombadil). Is Tom Anderson a MySpace reference? Is the founder of MySpace canon in the Harry Potter universe? Tara provides absolutely no context.
Bashing and Borking
Ebony leaves the room and encounters Draco Malfoy in the hallway, wearing a Good Charlotte t-shirt as "panamas" (pajamas).
Draco asks how the temporal seduction mission is progressing.
“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously. “Not 2 far, lol.” I borked.
She "borked".
I am a professor of linguistics. I have studied dialectal shifts, etymological evolution, and syntactic decay. But "borked" as a dialogue tag? Did she bark like a dog? Did she malfunction like an early Windows operating system? The mind reels.
The Torture Chamber
Draco, giggling "mistressly" (mysteriously? like a mistress?), leads Ebony to a room to show her what happened to Snape.
Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. “NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz).
There is a staggering amount of horror to unpack here.
- Sirius Black is "pokering" Snape and Lupin ("Lumpkin") by "staging" them with a knife.
- Sirius then starts to suck Lupin's blood.
- Ebony laughs "statistically" (sadistically).
- She takes "photons" (photos) of them being "torqued" (tortured).
- Tara breaks the fourth wall to defend the torture because "sadiztz rok" (sadists rock) and asks if anyone has seen Shark Attack 3.
They are casually photographing the bloody, vampiric torture of their professors before heading back to their dorm to make out.
Anatomical Ruin
Back in her room, Ebony changes into an outfit resembling Selene from Underworld. She and Draco begin to undress.
He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. “Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.
He put his "wetnes" in her you-know-what. She "gut an orgy."
But the final atrocity is reserved for Draco. He "got an eructation".
An eructation is a belch. A burp. Tara meant erection, and instead wrote that Draco Malfoy climaxed by burping.
I can no longer endure this. I am closing the terminal. Join me next time for Chapter 34, if I have not thrown myself into the sea.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington