Entry 59: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 32
Welcome back to the temporal abyss. Chapter 32 of My Immortal details Ebony's first encounter with the teenage Voldemort in the past. It is a chapter entirely dedicated to aggressive, nonsensical retconning of the Harry Potter universe to fit Tara Gilesbie’s mid-2000s mall-goth aesthetic.
The Apology for Bombodil
We must begin with the Author's Note, wherein Tara addresses the catastrophic error of the previous chapter.
AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111
"I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!"
She knows his name isn't Tom Bombadil. She just accidentally typed the name of a deeply obscure Lord of the Rings character instead of "Riddle." The defense rests, Your Honor.
The Devil's Middle Name
Ebony introduces herself to the young Dark Lord.
“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam”
Tom Satan Riddle.
This implies that Merope Gaunt, with her dying breath in a London orphanage in 1926, looked at the matron and gasped, "Name him Tom, for his father... Marvolo, for his grandfather... and Satan, because he looks like the lead singer of Green Day."
Temporal Worldbuilding
Ebony asks Tom Satan Riddle if he likes Green Day, noting parenthetically that MCR and Evanescence don't exist yet. It is the closest thing to historical accuracy Tara has ever achieved. Tom reveals that Good Charlotte is playing a concert in "Hogsment."
“hogsment?” I asked. “yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” he told me all sekrtivly.
Hogsmeade was apparently called "Hogsment" until the year 2000. Why? Unclear. Perhaps the Y2K bug affected magical geography.
Furthermore, as a colleague of mine astutely pointed out, the year 2000 is entirely post-canon for the Harry Potter universe. The Battle of Hogwarts occurred in 1998. Therefore, Tom Satan Riddle—speaking in the 1940s—is accurately predicting the municipal renaming of a Scottish wizarding village that will occur two years after his own canonical death. His clairvoyance regarding minor administrative nomenclature is truly unparalleled.
But the true revelation involves the origins of Hot Topic. Tom mentions a cool shop called "Hot-". Ebony interrupts, guessing "topic!".
He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned.
Before 1998, Hot Topic was known as "Hot Ishoo" (Hot Issue). It was located in Hogsment, Scotland.
This level of worldbuilding is staggering. Tara has retroactively inserted a corporate rebranding strategy for an American retail chain into the magical history of 1940s Great Britain. The fact that Tom "moaned" while delivering this corporate trivia only adds to the surrealism.
Dumbledore the Prep
Their historical discussion is interrupted by the headmaster.
Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. “STUPID GOFFS!”
Dumbledore flies in on his "broomstuck", "shredding" at them. In the 1940s, Dumbledore was not an eccentric transfiguration professor; he was a blonde prep wearing an American Eagle Outfitters polo shirt, screaming at "goffs".
Tom Satan Riddle rolls his eyes and complains about the oppression of goths and punks. Ebony, demonstrating the tactical subtlety of a brick through a window, decides to confront the future Dark Lord immediately.
I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.”
She calls him "da barke lord" directly to his face within five minutes of meeting him in the past. Time travel paradoxes be damned, Ebony is here to flirt, listen to Green Day, and accuse teenagers of being canine-themed overlords.
Join me next time for Chapter 33. I must go lie down and ponder the origins of Hot Ishoo.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington