Entry 58: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 31
Welcome back to the abyss. Chapter 31 of My Immortal concludes the hostage crisis of the previous chapter and finally initiates Ebony’s temporal seduction mission. It also features a character introduction so catastrophically incorrect that it transcends mere error and enters the realm of profound, accidental genius.
The Interrogation of Snape
Following the rescue of Ebony, Draco, and Vampire, Sirius Black confronts Snape.
“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.
Sirius calls him a "sun of a bitca," prompting Tara to insert an enthusiastic shoutout to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The tonal whiplash of this story is equivalent to being beaten over the head with a pop-culture encyclopedia.
Ebony then takes matters into her own hands, producing "Volremortserum" (Veritaserum).
Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap.
Lucius Malfoy interrogates Snape by playing a tape recorder and casting curses on him. The image of this aristocratic pureblood using mid-80s analog audio equipment for an interrogation is delightful.
The Temporal Makeover
With the crisis averted, Ebony is whisked away to prepare for her mission to seduce Voldemort in the past.
B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store.
Hot Topic, the gothic epicenter of this universe, is apparently owned by Tom Riddle. This makes an alarming amount of sense within the internal logic of the narrative.
Ebony changes into a "sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress". Low-cut. She means low-cut. "Low-smut" is an oxymoron given the content of this fanfiction.
Professor Sinistra (or Trevolry, the names are still alternating) arms Ebony for her journey.
She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner.
Ebony is going back in time to seduce the Dark Lord while armed with a Glock strapped to her thigh like she’s in "Redisnet Evill" (Resident Evil). She also receives her "time-tuner" (formerly Time-Toner).
The Masterpiece of Mistaken Identity
Ebony leaps into a Pensieve to travel through time (because apparently that is how Pensieves work now). She arrives in front of Hogwarts and immediately spots her target: a sexy goth guy who looks like a hybrid of Mikey Way and Billie Joe Armstrong.
She approaches the young Voldemort.
It was……………………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
I had to stop reading. I had to physically step away from the terminal.
Tom Bombadil.
Tara Gilesbie, attempting to introduce the teenage Tom Riddle, instead introduced the enigmatic, poetry-singing, yellow-booted forest entity from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.
The implications are staggering. Did Tom Bombadil forge the Rings of Power? Is Voldemort currently wandering the Old Forest singing "Hey dol! merry dol!"? Did Tara simply hear the name "Tom" and attach the first fantasy surname that came to mind?
It is, without hyperbole, the most magnificent typo in the history of the English language.
Join me next time for Chapter 32, where Ebony attempts to seduce the Master of Wood, Water, and Hill.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington