Entry 57: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 30
Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 30 of My Immortal escalates the horrifying, sexually violent hostage situation initiated in the previous chapter. It is a staggering display of Tara Gilesbie's complete inability to understand pacing, characterization, or the fundamental definitions of the words she is using.
The Alzheimer's Disclaimer
The Author's Note begins with Tara apologizing for a comment made in Chapter 22.
soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111
She is apologizing for saying Alzheimer's is "dongerous," clarifying that this is merely the "mysteries" (Ministry's) opinion, because "sosiety basically sux". It is fascinating that Tara feels compelled to offer a disclaimer about the societal perception of neurodegenerative diseases while actively writing a scene where a teacher threatens to sexually assault a student.
The Dork Mark
Snape (or "Snoop," or "Snap," or "Snake"—the nomenclature varies sentence by sentence) begins "loafing meanly." He then initiates a satanic ritual.
He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. “What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!
He "nit" a candle. He pulled down his pants to reveal a "Dork Mark" on his genitals.
A Dork Mark.
The Dark Mark—the terrifying symbol of Voldemort's Death Eaters—has been relocated to Severus Snape's groin and rebranded as a "Dork Mark." The sheer, accidental comedic brilliance of this typo almost offsets the deeply uncomfortable nature of the scene.
The Ultimatum and the Incapacitation
Snape hands Ebony a knife and issues an ultimatum.
“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”
He threatens to "rap" Draco. The omission of the 'e' completely alters the threat from sexual violence to an impromptu hip-hop battle. Given that Snape is currently being referred to as "Snoop", this typo is almost poetic.
Ebony is paralyzed by indecision. She looks at Draco, deciding he looks like "a pentragram... between Kurt Cobain and Gerard [Way]". She then decides to use her vampire powers.
Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.
Snape is praying to "Volxemort" and doing an "incapacitation" (incantation) while dancing around the "stokes" (stones).
Ebony sends her boyfriends a "telepathetic massage" so they can "destruct" Snape. A telepathetic massage. I cannot emphasize enough how completely Tara's vocabulary has collapsed.
The Escape
Draco and Vampire attempt to "destruct" Snape by threatening him with Dumbledore and the "Mystery" (Ministry). Snape calls them "dondderheds" and prepares to "rap" Draco.
Ebony finally acts.
“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious.
She "shited" pointing her "wound." She casts the Cruciatus Curse while apparently defecating and gesturing with an open laceration. While Snape screams, she casually whips out her mobile phone to send a text message to Sirius Black.
The chapter ends with Sirius, Lucius (Lusian), and Professor Trelawney (Trevolry) bursting in, chaining Snape up, and rescuing the teenagers. But a new horror approaches: the Time-Toner awaits.
Join me next time for Chapter 31.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington