Entry 56: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 29

Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 29 of My Immortal abandons all pretense of being a Harry Potter fanfiction and briefly pivots into a gritty, firearms-based action thriller, before careening into non-consensual BDSM. It is, perhaps, the most deranged chapter yet.

The Interruption

We pick up immediately after "Snope" and "Profesor McGoggle" walk in on Ebony, Draco, and Vampire engaged in their heavily documented coffin-based tryst.

The professors' immediate reaction is not shock or disciplinary action, but rather firearms.

“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. “CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded.

McGonagall—whose name mutates from McGoggle to McGoonagle to "Preacher McGongel" in the span of two sentences—commands them to leave.

As they dress, "Snoop" (Snape, clearly experiencing a mid-90s hip-hop rebrand) confiscates their camera.

Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

He grabbed the camera. He "garbed the caramel". The sheer incompetence required to produce this typo is staggering.

St. Mango's and The Sexitive Malfoy

Draco demands the camera back, threatening to expose Snape's own illicit affairs to "Dumblehor", claiming Snape will be sent to "St Mango's."

St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies has been transformed into a tropical fruit.

McGonagall ignores this threat and forces the trio into a room full of "werid tools."

Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).

Draco is "sexitive". Tara, entirely unable to restrain herself, inserts an authorial note mid-sentence to clarify her own portmanteau ("geddit koz hes a sexbom"), before devolving into a prolonged, unhinged declaration of love for Tom Felton and Gerard Way.

The Gunfight at the Hogwarts Corral

What follows is a sequence of events so violently out of place in a wizarding school that I had to re-read it three times to ensure I had not hallucinated it.

And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

Harry Potter and Severus Snape draw firearms and engage in a shootout.

None of the "ballots" (bullets) hit each other.

Ebony, deciding this electoral violence has gone far enough, casts the Cruciatus Curse on Snape ("Crosio!"). Snape drops his gun, but it's "too late"—both of them have "run out of ballets".

This is no longer a story. This is the literary equivalent of throwing a box of action figures down a flight of stairs and transcribing the resulting noises.

The Whips

McGonagall, seemingly entirely unfazed by the fact that her students and colleagues are exchanging gunfire, casts a spell to chain the trio up. She then declares she is leaving.

She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

Draco tries to comfort Ebony by reminding her of the blackmail material she possesses (referred to as a "cideo").

Snape laughs.

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111

The chapter ends on this horrifying cliffhanger. Snape, armed with whips in a room full of tools, preparing to enact vengeance upon the chained teenagers who just tried to shoot him.

I require a stiff drink and a long walk. Join me next time for Chapter 30.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington