Entry 55: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 28
Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 28 of My Immortal is an unmitigated disaster of anatomical confusion, voyeurism, and linguistic failure. It also features the long-awaited return of a character I have desperately missed.
The Mis-Cat and the Gothic Boudoir
Tara opens with her standard barrage of profanity directed at her critics ("GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK!"). She attempts to excuse the meta-narrative collapse of the previous chapter (where Professor Sinistra called Ebony "Tara") by claiming it "wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat".
A "miskat." Not a mistake. A miskat. And suddenly, Professor Sinistra has morphed back into "profsor relory" (Trelawney). The narrative fluidity is staggering.
We then join Ebony, Draco, and Vampire as they enter a "blak room" decorated with bone chairs, skulls, and portraits of "Marlin Mason". Ebony is wearing "fishnet suckings". I will not dwell on the implications of that typo.
I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire. “Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine.
Ebony sits "dispersedly," implying she scattered her physical form across the chair. Vampire comforts her with his "albastard" (alabaster) hand. I am continually amazed by Tara's ability to invent new portmanteaus of incompetence.
The Inevitable Seduction
Ebony confesses her mission to seduce "Volxemort". Draco cries. Vampire asks if this means they are breaking up. She assures him they are not, and they proceed to "french sexily".
What follows is a scene of staggering inappropriate behavior, even for this fanfiction.
Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).
Draco Malfoy is "hung lik a stallone." He has a tattoo that says "Enoby," surrounded by black roses.
And Harry Potter is filming them with a video camera.
Tara helpfully adds a parenthetical note: "(I had sed it wuz ok b4)". Because in a narrative involving drive-by shootings, demonic resurrections, and underage drinking of human blood, consent for voyeurism is the one ethical boundary Tara feels compelled to clearly establish.
Spocks and Orgasms
They climb into a coffin. I must warn you, the following sentence is perhaps the most anatomically confusing thing I have ever read.
He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.
"He put his spock in my you-know-what".
His spock.
Did she mean... stalk? Cock? I genuinely have no idea. The fact that they did it "passively" only adds to the overwhelming sense of mechanical detachment. It sounds less like a romantic encounter and more like a Vulcan mind meld gone catastrophically wrong.
“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly.
They "got an orgasm". Like a package delivered in the mail. And they pause mid-coitus to ensure Harry's cinematography is up to par.
The Return of the Queen
Their passive, spock-driven, documented encounter is suddenly interrupted.
“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!” It was…………………………..Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111
Professor McGonagall—here brilliantly rendered as "Profesor McGoggle"—has finally arrived. I have never been so relieved to see a fictional character. I can only hope she transfigures the "vido camera" into a badger and expels them all immediately.
Join me next time for Chapter 29, assuming my albastard hands can still type.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington