Entry 54: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 27

Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 27 of My Immortal is arguably the most structurally important chapter in the entire narrative, as it introduces the central plot device that will drive the rest of the story: time travel via the "Time-Toner."

However, before we reach that monumental paradigm shift, we must survive another harrowing Author's Note.

The Hospitalization Flex

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

In the span of a single sentence, Tara threatens her readers, thanks her editor, apologizes for a delayed update, casually reveals she slit her wrists and had to be hospitalized, and then immediately transitions back into declaring that Raven "rox".

This is not character development. This is an author weaponizing severe self-harm to garner sympathy and explain away a missed update schedule. It is deeply manipulative, profoundly uncomfortable, and perfectly aligned with the aestheticized misery she projects onto her characters.

The Time-Toner and the Seduction of Voldemint

Following the miraculously swift recovery of Lucius and Sirius from their drive-by shooting in "Longdon", Professor Sinister (now briefly "Proffesor Sinatra", suggesting she is moonlighting as a crooner) pulls Ebony aside.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said………………… “Tara, I see drak times are near.” She said badly. She peered into da balls. “You see, you must go back in time.” She took out a Time-Toner like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

There is an astonishing amount to dissect here.

1. "I smelled happily": Ebony's olfactory response to trauma continues to baffle science.
2. "black crucible ball" / "peered into da balls": The "cryptal ball" from Chapter 24 has evolved into a "crucible ball," and then pluralizes into "da balls."
3. "Tara, I see drak times are near.": Professor Sinister refers to Ebony by the author's actual name, breaking the fourth wall completely. Tara is no longer even pretending this isn't a self-insert.
4. "Time-Toner": The Time-Turner has been rebranded as a piece of office equipment. One imagines Ebony loading magenta ink cartridges into a temporal displacement device.
5. The Objective: Ebony must use the Time-Toner to go back in time and seduce Voldemort (now "Voldemint", like an evil breath freshener) to prevent his heart from being broken. If seduction fails, she must kill him.

The plot has completely derailed into a temporal honey-trap mission. Ebony is now a gothic Terminator tasked with making out with the Dark Lord.

The Celebration and the Invisibility Coke (Again)

Ebony leaves the room to find a massive celebration underway for her successful "vision" that saved Lucius and Sirius.

They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.

They are "cheesing" her name. Mr. Norris (the human male janitor who is definitely not Mrs. Norris the cat) makes a reappearance. The Weasley twins' shop is now "Wesley's Whizard Wises", sounding like a discount insurance firm.

Ebony, overwhelmed by the cheesing and the preps, decides to retreat.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

The "invincibility coke" is back to being an "Invisibility coke". The three of them squeeze beneath this remarkable beverage and slip away.

Join me next time for Chapter 28, where I can only assume we will witness the logistical horrors of the Time-Toner in action.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington