Entry 53: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 26

Welcome back, fellow scholars of the absurd, to Chapter 26 of My Immortal. This chapter grapples with the immediate fallout of the drive-by shooting in "Longdon", featuring a Dumbledore who is less a headmaster and more a senile mob boss, and an Ebony who is definitely not "divisional."

The "Racist" Disclaimer and "Mutates"

Tara opens with her customary threat to the preps, followed by a bizarre disclaimer: "oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11".

This is almost certainly referring to the previous chapter, where Ebony dreamt that "a black guy was shooting two goffik men". The fact that Tara felt compelled to clarify her lack of racial animus in an Author's Note, rather than simply altering the text to describe the clothing of the shooter, speaks volumes about her editorial priorities.

A few "mutates" (minutes) later, Vampire (Harry) arrives at the tree, wearing a "blak leather jackson". A leather jacket, one presumes. Unless he is wearing a man named Jackson made of leather, which, given the trajectory of this narrative, is entirely plausible.

Dumbledore the Mob Boss

The trio runs to Dumbledore to report the shooting.

“Sire are dads have been shot!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.” Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”

Dumbledore starts to "cockle" (cackle). This is standard Tara syntax. The true atrocity lies in his accusation. He asks how he can know Ebony isn't "divisional."

Ebony glares at him, then proceeds to verbally assault the Supreme Mugwump.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). “U know very well that I’m not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!”

First, the pronoun shifts from "I" to "he" for Ebony ("Look motherfucker," he said angrily). Tara then pauses the narrative to defend this outburst: "(c is da toot of crakter)". She means "see, he is out of character". Tara is intentionally writing Dumbledore out of character and pointing it out to the reader, a meta-narrative maneuver so clunky it borders on avant-garde.

Ebony then declares that she is not "decisional" (delusional) and demands Dumbledore send people to look for "Series" and "Lucian" pornto (pronto).

Dumbledore, suitably intimidated by this teenage girl calling him a motherfucker, asks where they are.

The Medical Emergency in Longdon

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said.

Longdon. Not London. Longdon.

Dumbledore makes some phone calls (because apparently wizards use mobile phones now; recall Draco's "Likin Park mobile" from the last chapter). After a few "mistunes" (minutes), he confirms they have been found.

The chapter ends with a masterclass in inappropriate triage.

I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers…………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1

While Draco and Ebony wait in the nurse's office (staring into each other's "derperessed" eyes and kissing), Harry Potter goes to his room to slit his wrists.

Let me reiterate: Harry's godfather has just been shot in a drive-by in Longdon. Instead of waiting at the hospital wing to see if Sirius survives, Harry decides the most appropriate course of action is to go to his room and engage in self-harm.

Sirius and Lucius are wheeled in on stretchers, followed ominously by Professor Sinister. What "deviation" awaits us next?

Join me for Chapter 27, assuming my "decisional" mind can handle it.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington