Entry 52: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 25
Welcome back. I fear my constitution is failing me, but I must press on. Chapter 25 of My Immortal is mercifully brief, yet it manages to pack an astonishing amount of anatomical impossibility and linguistic desecration into a few short paragraphs.
The Author's Note and Cyber Warfare
The chapter opens with Tara threatening her detractors with physical violence and cyber warfare.
AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1
She will instruct the "nredz" (nerds) to put "vrtuz" (viruses) in our computers. It is a delightfully mid-2000s threat, perfectly encapsulating the era of MySpace HTML angst.
The Heroin Cabaret
Ebony follows Draco out to his flying car, eager for further romantic encounters. What follows is a sequence of actions so bizarre I can scarcely parse them.
He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.
A "heroin cabaret".
I have spent an unreasonable amount of time trying to decipher this. I suspect she means a cigarette. He took out a cigarette, spiked it (presumably lighting it), and gave it to her to spork (smoke).
He then flies the car into a tree, and they proceed to the top of it. One imagines the car lodged dangerously in the canopy while My Chemical Romance blares from the stereo.
Anatomical Horror
As Gerard Way croons from the speakers, Ebony and Draco begin to undress.
We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.
They are "tiling" off their clothes. I assume she means taking or tearing, but tiling suggests they are slowly un-paving themselves.
But the true horror lies at the end of that paragraph. Draco puts his "trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily."
In my tool.
I am an academic. I deal in precision, in semantics, in the careful architecture of language. I have no framework for analyzing why a teenage girl would refer to her own anatomy as a "tool" during a moment of supposed passion. The mechanical, utilitarian implications are deeply disturbing.
The Vision of Doom
Their encounter is interrupted when Ebony falls asleep mid-coitus and experiences another vision.
In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. “No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.
She wakes up screaming, her icy blue eyes open, and cries tears of blood. She instructs Draco to call Vampire (Harry) on his "blak Likin Park mobile."
The chapter concludes with the dramatic revelation of the victims' identities: "Lucian and Serious!111"
Lucius Malfoy and Sirius Black have been gunned down in a drive-by shooting.
The tonal whiplash is enough to induce a concussion. We have gone from "heroin cabarets" and anatomical "tools" to a gangland-style assassination in the span of three paragraphs.
Join me next time for Chapter 26, where I assume we will deal with the fallout of this drive-by shooting.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington