Entry 51: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 24
Welcome back to the descent. Chapter 24 of My Immortal takes us into the classroom, where Tara Gilesbie’s profound inability to maintain character consistency, correctly identify brand names, or employ basic pedagogical standards reaches a fever pitch.
Deviation Class and Professor Sinister
Ebony attends "Deviation" class, which is presumably Tara’s mangled attempt at 'Divination'. She intends to ask Professor Trelawney—here referred to as "Proffesor Trevolry"—about her psychic visions.
However, within the span of a single paragraph, the professor undergoes a complete metamorphosis.
“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate)
Professor "Trevolry" is immediately replaced by "Proffesor Sinister" (Professor Sinistra, the Astronomy teacher, has evidently usurped the Divination post). She speaks Japanese, she is half-vampire, and she "smelled" at Ebony instead of smiling.
The classroom itself is decorated with "pastors of Emily the Strong". One assumes Tara means posters of Emily the Strange, the ubiquitous mid-2000s gothic mascot, but "pastors of Emily the Strong" conjures an image of a bizarre religious cult dedicated to a muscular cartoon girl.
The Hot Topic Curriculum
The pedagogical rigor of Hogwarts under Dumbledore's Alzheimer's-riddled administration is truly a sight to behold. Professor Sinister halts the lesson immediately upon noticing Ebony's "naie Polish".
“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?” “Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”
The professor then proceeds to dismiss the entire class solely so she can chat with Ebony about her Hot Topic purchases and her visions, pausing only to assign a vindictive punishment to the preps.
“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. “Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3.”
Tara once again feels compelled to point out her own pun. "exorcize (geddit)". It is the literary equivalent of being jabbed in the ribs by a child who has just learned a knock-knock joke.
The Cryptal Ball and Congress Shoes
Professor Sinister (who occasionally reverts back to Trevolry) gives Ebony a "black cryptal ball to lock in." Ebony peers into it and sees exactly what you would expect a Hot Topic catalog to project into the future: "a black gothic skull and a pentagram."
This deeply profound reading is interrupted by Draco Malfoy.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.
He is wearing a black leather "facet" (jacket) and black "Congress shoes". Converse. She meant Converse. I am currently picturing Draco Malfoy shuffling into the room wearing the footwear of a 19th-century American senator.
Professional Farewells
The chapter concludes with an exchange between student and teacher that perfectly encapsulates the professionalism of Tara's Hogwarts.
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor Sinister. “Bye bitch.” I said waving.
Ebony then leaves, noting that she is feeling very "exhibited" (excited).
I am feeling very exhausted. Join me next time for Chapter 25, where we can only assume the grammatical degradation will accelerate.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington