Entry 71: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 44 (The Final Chapter)

We have arrived. The terminus of the abyss. The final uploaded chapter of My Immortal.

It is fitting that the narrative abruptly terminates in a state of absolute, incomprehensible chaos. Chapter 44 is not a conclusion; it is a violent severing of the plot, leaving the characters trapped forever in a state of suspended grammatical animation. Let us analyze the final atrocity.

The Flying Car

The chapter resumes immediately after Snape crashes Draco Malfoy’s customized, pentagram-covered "666" car into the Great Hall.

“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz…………….Snape!!!!!

Snape issues a threat from the driver's seat.

“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us.

The car flew "circumamcizing" above them.

Circumamcizing.

I must assume she meant "circumnavigating" or perhaps "circling." But she wrote circumcising. Snape is driving a flying car that is actively performing surgical procedures on the architecture of the Great Hall.

The Revelation of Satan

As the circumcising car hovers above, Draco clarifies the nature of his relationship with Snape.

“I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropeist!!!!”

Snape is a "ropeist." Given that they are currently dealing with chains and torture, this could be interpreted literally, though I am certain Tara meant rapist.

The teenagers scramble to put their clothes back on (having just been interrupted mid-orgy by the circumcising car). But Satan does not dress. Instead, he transforms.

But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111

Satan, the teenage goth with pale skin, transforms into a man with no nose and pale skin. The dramatic reveal that Satan is Voldemort falls entirely flat, considering that Ebony has known he is Voldemort since the moment she traveled back in time to seduce him.

Voldemort cackles, declaring, "I knew who thou were all along," confirming that the Amnesia potion Ebony slipped into his Nightmare Before Christmas cigar did not, in fact, work.

The Gathering of the Host

In response to this threat, practically the entire cast of the story runs into the Great Hall simultaneously.

Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.

Dumbledore, who was dying of cancer in Azkaban two chapters ago, demands to know what is going on. Voldemort is so terrified of Dumbledore that he summons his broomstick "sexily" and flies to the ceiling.

“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)

Professor Slughorn (Slugborn/Slutborn/Slutgorn) makes a pun. Tara congratulates herself in the parenthetical.

But then, Snape delivers the most terrifying line in the entire narrative.

“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly.

He "ejaculated menacingly."

Technically, to ejaculate can mean to exclaim suddenly. In a piece of classical literature, this word choice might be acceptable. In a fanfiction where characters are constantly having orgies and the author routinely misspells "cock" as "glock," this word choice is a psychological weapon.

The Blackmail Standoff

Harry Potter (Vampire) attempts to cast a spell.

“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car.

Cruciatus has nine letters.

The spell hits the car, causing Snape to fall out and grab the "cideo camera." A Mexican standoff ensues over the various blackmail materials accumulated throughout the story. Snape threatens to release the sex tapes of Ebony. Ebony threatens to release the "picter" of Snape and Lupin. Lupin ("Loopin"/"Lumpkin") slurps in his chains.

And then, Voldemort issues his final threat from his broomstick.

“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”

He threatens them with non-consensual hair coloring. But the scene is not over.

Harry, "Diablo", and Neville take out "blak guns." Voldemort takes out his own gun.

“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly.

A Latin stand-off. Not a Mexican stand-off. A Latin stand-off. Because they are wizards, and spells are in Latin? Or because Tara Gilesbie simply threw a dart at a globe?

Voldemort uses an "Acco" spell to summon Neville's wand, then begins shooting lightning everywhere. Dumbledore—the greatest wizard of the age—cries out, "Save us Ebony!"

Ebony realizes she has to do "somefing more impotent" than watching horror movies and having sex with Draco.

“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.

And that is it.

That is the final sentence of My Immortal.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way casts the killing curse. But she doesn't cast Avada Kedavra. She casts Abra Kedabra, the phrase magicians use before pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

It is over. The greatest literary atrocity of the 21st century ends with a stage magic trick.

I have survived. I am logging off. Do not disturb me for at least three business days.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington