Entry 48: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 21
The agony continues. Chapter 21 of My Immortal offers a potent distillation of Tara Gilesbie's unique brand of madness, featuring a catastrophic misunderstanding of canon characters, a truly bizarre stealth sequence, and the introduction of a completely new governmental body.
The Transylvania Trip and "Drkola"
The Author's Note confirms Tara has returned from her "vacation in transilvania," where she allegedly visited the castle "wer drkola was flimed". Let us pause and reflect on the spelling of "Dracula." Drkola. It sounds less like a legendary vampire and more like a poorly manufactured Eastern European soda.
Tara also takes a moment to blame Raven for her spelling errors ("itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1"), only to immediately apologize in the next breath. Their relationship is as volatile and nonsensical as the plot.
Suicide as an Aesthetic Choice
We return to the "skull" (school), where Draco is crying in the common room. When Ebony asks if he is okay, he responds with his trademark eloquence: "No I’m not u fuking bitch!"
He then starts "to run out of the place in a suicidal way."
I must emphasize this point again: Tara wields mental illness and self-harm purely as aesthetic accessories. Running in a "suicidal way" means absolutely nothing, yet it is deployed here as a shorthand for 'edgy and dramatic'. Ebony's immediate fear that he will commit suicide is treated with the same emotional weight as losing a tube of black lipstick.
Vampire (Harry) attempts to console her, leading to this baffling exchange:
“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.” “U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.
There is no preamble, no context. Just an immediate leap from 'I will comfort him' to an accusation of sexual infidelity.
Mr. Norris and the Invincibility Coke
The climax of the chapter occurs when Ebony and Vampire hear footsteps.
Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.
"Invincibility coke". A cloak of invisibility is apparently now an invincible carbonated beverage.
They hide beneath this remarkable garment and encounter "the janitor Mr. Norris".
Mrs. Norris is a cat. Argus Filch is the caretaker. Tara has fundamentally misunderstood not only the gender but the species of a central antagonist, creating a bizarre hybrid entity: a janitor named Mr. Norris who owns a cat named Filth.
“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.
"Filth" the cat climbs under the cloak with Ebony and Vampire to alert Mr. Norris. In response, Vampire mutters an insult "under his breast". Not his breath. His breast.
Just as Mr. Norris pulls the cloak away, Vampire decides this is the optimal moment to "french" Ebony. They then flee, finding Draco casually slitting his wrists outside. Ebony asks if he is okay; he replies, "I guess though," and they proceed to make out and watch the film Lake Placid. Because nothing says gothic depression like a 1999 horror-comedy about a giant crocodile.
Fug and the Mystery of Magic
The chapter concludes with Ebony experiencing another of her random psychic visions.
As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1
Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, has been reduced to "Fug". The Ministry of Magic has been rebranded as "da Mystery of Magic".
The sheer density of errors in this single paragraph is breathtaking. We have moved beyond mere typos and into a realm where words are completely unmoored from their definitions.
I must go lie down in a dark room. Join me next time for Chapter 22, assuming the "Mystery of Magic" does not arrest me first.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington