Entry 49: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 22
Welcome to Chapter 22 of My Immortal. This chapter features the most egregious, traumatic attempt at character backstory ever committed to digital paper, along with a scene that fundamentally upends the geopolitical structure of the Wizarding World.
The Apology
The Author's Note begins with Tara lashing out at her critics before offering an incredibly hollow retraction regarding the "Mr. Norris" catastrophe from the previous chapter.
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
She blames Raven for not knowing the gender of Argus Filch's cat, proving once again that her creative partnership with her editor is less a collaboration and more a hostage negotiation.
The Backstory Bomb
Ebony awakens in her coffin to find her entire entourage standing around her bed. Tara uses this opportunity to describe their outfits in grueling detail, but it is the description of the Weasley family that warrants serious academic (and perhaps psychiatric) attention.
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
Where do we even begin?
First, Arthur Weasley is apparently the father of Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, making them brothers to Ron (Diabolo) and Ginny (Darkness/Jenny). Second, Arthur Weasley is a vampire who committed suicide. Third, he sexually assaulted all of his children "and stuff". Fourth, the resulting trauma from this horrific abuse caused them to become gothic and convert to "Stanism" (Satanism).
Tara has deployed child sexual abuse and suicide as a causal explanation for her characters shopping at Hot Topic. It is the most spectacularly offensive, flippant use of trauma I have ever witnessed. She wields tragedy like a blunt instrument to hammer her characters into the required aesthetic mold.
The Erections of Draco Malfoy
Ebony, reasonably, asks why everyone is standing around her bed while she is in her pajamas. Draco, operating on an entirely different wavelength of inappropriate behavior, insists they must leave immediately.
“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice. “Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”
"Erective".
She means secretive. She wrote erective.
Draco Malfoy is being "erective" while telling his girlfriend she looks "kawaii" in her pajamas, surrounded by the traumatized offspring of the vampiric Arthur Weasley. My brain is actively attempting to shut itself down to protect me from this prose.
The Bark Lord and Alzheimer's
The entourage sneaks down to the Great Hall, pausing only to put their middle fingers up at a prep named Britney (because of course they do). Inside, they eavesdrop on an argument between Dumbledore, Dolores Umbridge (Doris Rumbridge), and Cornelius Fudge (Cornelia Fudged).
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.
Voldemort is now "The Bark Lord". I picture a terrifying, malevolent Golden Retriever.
Rumbridge then levels a devastating accusation at Dumbledore:
“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”
Dumbledore, the Supreme Mugwump, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and defeater of Grindelwald, is being forced to "retry" (retire) because his Alzheimer's disease poses a threat to the student body. The implication that magical ability is compromised by a muggle neurodegenerative disease is actually a fascinating concept, but in Tara's hands, it is merely an insult hurled by a woman named Doris.
The Chosen One
Dumbledore, accepting his fate, drops the final, world-shattering revelation of the chapter.
“Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is.......................................................................Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.” Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other……...I gasped.
Harry Potter, the literal Boy Who Lived, is standing right there. Yet Dumbledore declares that Ebony—or "Enony"—is the true savior of the wizarding world. She is the Chosen One.
The Mary Sue transformation is complete. Ebony has consumed the entire narrative gravity of the Harry Potter universe.
I must stop now. The concept of "The Bark Lord" has broken whatever fragile remnants of my sanity remained.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington