Entry 47: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 20

Welcome back, fellow scholars of the absurd, to the twentieth circle of Tara Gilesbie’s literary hell. In this chapter, the narrative completely abandons any pretense of following a coherent plot, opting instead to subject us to a sequence of events so intensely jarring that they defy all known laws of narrative structure.

The Casual Self-Harm

The chapter begins with an Author's Note informing us that Tara will be "un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz". I can only assume she is visiting her ancestral homeland to consult with the Count himself on how to further defile the English language.

We then find Ebony in her room, preparing for the rescheduled My Chemical Romance concert (the previous one having been interrupted by Voldemort, a sentence that still causes me physical pain to write).

MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom.

"I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited."

The casualness with which Tara incorporates extreme self-harm as a mere accessory—equivalent to putting on black eyeliner or a leather miniskirt—is genuinely unsettling. It is a stark reminder of the deeply uncomfortable fetishization of mental illness that permeated the "goffik" subculture she is attempting to emulate.

The Interruption and the Incomprehensible Pun

Ebony's moshing is interrupted by Lupin, leading to an exchange that plummets straight into the gutter.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. “No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.

Setting aside the horrific and utterly baseless accusation leveled against Lupin (and Snape), we must address Tara's compulsion to explain her own agonizingly bad puns. "No, actshelly (geddit, hell)". Yes, Tara, we get it. You wedged the word "hell" into "actually". It is not clever. It is not witty. It is the linguistic equivalent of a toddler presenting you with a clump of dirt and expecting praise.

The Hallway Incident

Ebony departs her room and stumbles upon a scene that exists solely for shock value.

Then I went. Den I gasped………………........ Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 “Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

Snape and Lupin are engaged in coitus in the middle of a hallway, with Dobby the house-elf acting as a voyeur. Let that sink in. This is the literary equivalent of a fever dream induced by expired cough syrup.

Ebony’s reaction is not disgust at the public indecency, but rather disappointment because both professors are "preps." Tara casually notes that Snape (or "Snake") has been moved to Gryffindor, presumably as a punishment for his lack of gothic aesthetic.

Blackmail and the Flying Car

Ebony, demonstrating the moral fortitude of a sociopath, photographs the professors to use as blackmail.

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it.

She "threw her wound" at them. I assume she means "wand," but at this point, who can tell? Perhaps she literally hurled an open laceration at them. It would hardly be the most ridiculous thing to occur in this chapter.

Ebony escapes outside, where she encounters "Vampire" (Harry Potter), who reveals that Draco is not coming to the concert. To console her, Harry unveils his flying car, gifted by his "dogfather" Sirius Black.

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it. ……….I gasped.

Harry Potter's flying car has personalized license plates declaring his allegiance to My Chemical Romance and his devotion to Ebony. She is so moved by this display of blatant vehicular obsession that she gasps. Twice.

Chapter 20 is a masterclass in escalating absurdity. It abandons narrative cohesion entirely, replacing it with a series of increasingly deranged vignettes. I fear the upcoming concert will only accelerate this descent.

Until next time, I require a very stiff drink.

• Professor Bartholomew Barrington