Entry 44: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 17
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
Having survived the necrophiliac revelation of Chapter 16, I plunge into Chapter 17. The author has apparently forgotten the events of the previous chapter and decides to write the exact same scene again, only with more aggressive misspellings and a startling cameo.
The author's note opens with the usual hostility:
AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage.
She has instituted a purity test. One must take a quiz on her homepage to determine if they are sufficiently gothic to read her literature. It is an exclusionary tactic worthy of the most pretentious avant-garde circles, applied to a story about a vampire witch attending a fake My Chemical Romance concert.
The Prep Quiz
We are reintroduced to Neville Longbottom, who has undergone a radical transformation.
Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth... We kall him Dracula now.
Neville Longbottom ("Navel") was secretly a vampire whose parents died in a car crash (a backstory seemingly plagiarized from Harry Potter's own fabricated history). He is now a Satanist named Dracula. The casual rewriting of a character's entire existence in three sentences is breathtaking.
The Concert, Again
In the previous chapter, Ebony and Draco attended an MCR concert in Hogsmeade, moshed to "Helena," and discovered the band was actually Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
In this chapter, they go to the concert, mosh to "Helena," and discover the band is actually Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!
The author has literally copy-pasted the climax of her own story. Perhaps she felt the emotional resonance of Voldemort cosplaying as Gerard Way was so profound it required repetition.
The Big Damn Hero
Voldemort corners them, threatening to kill them. The tension is palpable (or it would be, if the scene hadn't already happened).
"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was.......................................DUMBLYDORE!
Albus Dumbledore swoops in to save the day. He has long black hair, a long black "bread" (beard), and is wearing a black robe that says "avril lavigne" on the back. He "shots a spel" and the Dark Lord flees in terror.
I am analyzing a story where Albus Dumbledore, dressed as an Avril Lavigne fan, engages in a shootout with Lord Voldemort, who is disguised as the lead singer of My Chemical Romance.
I must go lie down in a dark room.