Entry 45: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 18
Welcome back, fellow academics and gluttons for punishment, to another descent into the abyss of My Immortal. If you thought the narrative had reached its nadir with the explicit desecration of the Forbidden Forest, brace yourselves. Chapter 18 pivots sharply from pubescent smut back to the realm of staggering absurdity, introducing us to a Dumbledore who is suffering from what can only be described as a mid-life—or rather, end-of-life—crisis.
The Sweater Diplomacy
We must, as always, begin with the Author's Note.
AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!
It appears the great schism between Tara and Raven has concluded, sealed with the return of a stolen sweater. The sheer banality of this backstage drama—"fangz for muh sewter!"—juxtaposed against the melodramatic vampiric nonsense of the actual story is a study in tonal whiplash. The creator of the immortal, icy-hearted Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way is, at her core, just a teenager intensely relieved to have her favorite knitwear back.
The "Skull" and Linkin Park
(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)
Here we see Tara's compulsion to clarify her own puns: "geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth". She does not trust her audience to understand the replacement of 'school' with 'skull', an act of linguistic vandalism so crude it hardly qualifies as wordplay. And once again, the act of "you-know-what" is deployed not for narrative progression, but merely to boast of an edgy soundtrack. One shudders to imagine the sheer lack of rhythm involved in copulating to early 2000s nu-metal.
The Poser-fication of Dumbledore
The crux of the chapter, however, is the shocking revelation in the Great Hall.
Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.
Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of his age, has apparently decided to redecorate Hogwarts in a desperate bid to win Ebony's approval. Yet he fails spectacularly. The pink "pant" showing through the black, the posters of "poser bands"—it is a masterclass in performative failure.
“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. “…………..DUMBLEDORE?1!” we all gasped.
Dumbledore has dyed his hair black and caked himself in white foundation. The sheer indignity of it. This isn't character assassination; it's character mutilation. To complete this horrifying transformation, he demands to be called by a new moniker:
“BTW you can call me Albert.” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.
Not Albus. Albert. Why? I genuinely cannot fathom the logic. Perhaps "Albert" sounds more inherently gothic to Tara? Is there an obscure punk bassist named Albert? Or is it simply another symptom of her terminal inability to spell the names of the characters she is nominally writing about?
Crying in a Gothic Way
The chapter concludes with a masterstroke of forced melancholy:
“What a fucking poser!” Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Willow shouted. I was so fucking angry.
"Crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard)." Tara once again steps on her own joke to explain that the word "way" is a reference to Gerard Way. It is a pun so labored it requires immediate life support.
And Ebony's reaction to all of this? "I was so fucking angry." Not confused, not alarmed that the headmaster of her school is plastering posters of the Backstreet Boys over the ancient stone walls. Just angry.
Chapter 18 is a testament to the fact that in the My Immortal universe, the only true sin is being a "poser". Competence, logic, and sanity are completely irrelevant.
Join me next time for Chapter 19, which promises to be just as soul-destroying. I need a scotch.
- Professor Bartholomew Barrington