Entry 42: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 15
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
I have arrived at Chapter 15 of 'My Immortal'. The narrative continues its relentless assault on my faculties, presenting a sequence of events so devoid of logic that it borders on the avant-garde.
The author's note opens the chapter with a threat:
AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!
The author is now holding her own physical well-being hostage against literary criticism. This is emotional blackmail deployed to protect a fanfiction about a gothic vampire witch.
The Gothic Wardrobe
The chapter abruptly shifts focus to Ebony's wardrobe. The amount of words dedicated to describing her clothing vastly outnumbers the words dedicated to the plot.
I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in red letters and was all ripped on the ends and a spiky belt... Under that I put on black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them...
She is wearing boots that say "Joel" (presumably referring to Joel Madden) all over them. One must wonder if these boots were custom-made, or if there is a thriving market in the wizarding world for footwear plastered with the names of early-2000s pop-punk vocalists.
The Serenade
Ebony descends the stairs and encounters Draco. He delivers a passionate, angst-ridden monologue about how she saved him from suicidal ideation, concluding with:
Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class!
Draco Malfoy, pureblood supremacist and heir to the Malfoy legacy, stands in front of a Hogwarts classroom and sings a Good Charlotte song. The author then provides a startling description of his vocal abilities:
His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson
I invite the reader to imagine a voice that is simultaneously a cross between Gerard Way, Joel Madden, Chester Bennington, Pierre Bouvier, and Marilyn Manson. It would not sound "amazing and gothic." It would sound like a demonic entity attempting to communicate through a malfunctioning blender.
The Climax
The performance is a resounding success.
Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then.
Professor Lupin attempts to intervene, but is silenced by the sheer sexiness of their display. This triumph is immediately followed by the serendipitous discovery of a poster announcing a My Chemical Romance concert occurring in Hogsmeade at that exact moment.
The convenience of this event is staggering. It is as if the universe itself exists solely to facilitate Ebony's gothic lifestyle. I must now mentally prepare myself for whatever fresh horrors await in Hogsmeade.