Entry 41: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 14
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
My descent through the circles of 'My Immortal' brings me to Chapter 14. This chapter abandons the magical conflict entirely to focus on a bizarre sequence of attempted assault, brutal murder, and an extended monologue regarding the unbearable burden of being too attractive.
The author's note provides yet another unsettling glimpse into her personal life:
AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz Islit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10god revoiws!
Once again, severe self-harm is presented alongside a petulant demand for positive reinforcement ("10 god revoiws").
The Abduction of Draco
The narrative resumes with Ebony and Vampire searching for Lord Voldemort, who has supposedly kidnapped Draco Malfoy. Instead, they find someone else.
We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him.
The "fat guy who killed Cedric" is Peter Pettigrew, whom the author inexplicably names "Snaketail" (presumably confusing 'Wormtail' with 'snake').
Snaketail, who is currently torturing her boyfriend, suddenly falls to his knees upon seeing Ebony.
Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)
The author interrupts the narrative to clarify that Peter Pettigrew has been magically de-aged to sixteen specifically to avoid pediatric assault charges during this proposition. Ebony's response to this solicitation is remarkably straightforward.
“What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain... Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.
Ebony murders a sixteen-year-old boy by stabbing him directly in the heart.
The Burden of Beauty
Voldemort arrives (his approach heralded by the clacking of high heels), prompting the trio to flee back to Ebony's dormitory. Once there, Draco attempts to initiate sexual relations, but Ebony is overcome by a sudden existential crisis regarding her own physical perfection.
“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.” “Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Draco. “Yeah but everyone is in love with me!... Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!”
The protagonist breaks down in tears because too many adult faculty members, dark wizards, and teenage boys are uncontrollably attracted to her. The author inserts an aside clarifying that Ebony isn't a snob, she's simply stating the objective truth of her overwhelming beauty.
It is the purest distillation of Mary Sue literature ever committed to the internet.
I must stop reading. I fear my brain is attempting to defensively reformat itself.