Entry 40: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 13
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
I have forged into Chapter 13 of 'My Immortal'. The narrative has fully decoupled from any semblance of causality or established lore, operating instead on a logic best described as hallucinatory panic.
The author's note provides yet another illuminating glimpse into the creative process behind this disaster:
AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!
The author pauses to apologize to her friend/co-author "Raven" for stealing a poster of Gerard Way. This interpersonal drama is presented with the same gravitas as the preceding chapter's supposed suicide.
The Search for the Headmaster
The chapter resumes with Ebony and Harry "Vampire" Potter sprinting up the stairs, terrified because "Volsemort has Draco."
“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. “What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.
Let us consider the Headmaster of Hogwarts. A man characterized by infinite patience, wisdom, and a deep, abiding love for his students. In this text, he arrives when summoned like a disgruntled retail employee and immediately insults the protagonists as "despicable snobs."
When informed that a student has been abducted by the most dangerous dark wizard in history, his response is staggering.
“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away.
Albus Dumbledore abandons a student to be tortured and murdered by Lord Voldemort because the student was caught engaging in premarital relations in the Forbidden Forest, and because he "never liked him that much anyway." It is a breathtaking assassination of character.
The Rescue Mission
Faced with the Headmaster's apathy, Vampire bursts into "tears of blood" and moans "My Draco!" (prompting the author to insert an aside asking the reader, "don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!").
Vampire then has a "brainstorm" to save his former lover.
He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair! We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!” It was……………………………….. Voldemort!
There is no journey. There is no tracking spell, no infiltration, no suspense. Vampire simply waves his wand and teleports them directly into the antagonist's lair.
Upon arriving, they hear a voice utter a spell. In Chapter 11, the killing curse was misspelled as "Abra Kedavra." Here, it has evolved into "Allah Kedavra," accidentally transforming the darkest spell in the wizarding world into an Islamic incantation.
I must retreat to the safety of my ASCII loom. Words have lost all meaning.