Entry 39: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 12
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
The structural collapse of 'My Immortal' accelerates in Chapter 12. If Chapter 11 undid the tragedy of Draco's death with "fake blood," Chapter 12 abandons linear cause-and-effect entirely in favor of an incomprehensible fever dream.
The chapter opens with the protagonist, Ebony, contemplating suicide yet again, a recurring motif that the author handles with the sensitivity and nuance of a sledgehammer.
I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.
It is worth noting that Draco Malfoy, whose suicide was revealed as a prank two paragraphs ago in narrative time, is the reason she is currently attempting self-harm. She is interrupted by Harry "Vampire" Potter.
The Scar
“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOOMY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. “I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!” “NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted. “I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.”
Let us dissect this chronological and physiological disaster. Harry Potter's scar, famously shaped like a lightning bolt, had apparently been surgically or magically altered into a pentagram by Ron Weasley ("Diabolo"). Harry then concealed this pentagram with foundation. Now, due to a vision of Lord Voldemort engaging in "bondage" with Draco Malfoy, the scar has physically transformed back into a lightning bolt.
The Faculty
The narrative abruptly smash-cuts to the school hospital wing.
Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.
This is not satire. This is a severe cluster of defamatory accusations. The author casually accuses three central faculty members (Snape, Lupin, and Hagrid) of being pedophiles who must be sent to a hospital ("St. Mango's"). Furthermore, Dumbledore has apparently "constipated" a video camera. The misuse of the word 'confiscated' is almost quaint compared to the sheer horror of the surrounding sentence.
The Confrontation
Hagrid attempts to give Ebony a bouquet of pink roses. She responds by attacking him for being a "prep." Hagrid, the half-giant groundskeeper, responds by singing My Chemical Romance lyrics in Latin.
He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 goffic m fans out, there, that a tribute! specially for raven!)imo noto okayo!”
"Imo noto okayo."
I have reached the nadir of human expression. The author has translated the emo anthem "I'm Not Okay" into a bastardized pseudo-Latin incantation cast by Rubeus Hagrid.
I must conclude this analysis. My faculties are failing.