Entry 17: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 3 (Expanded Analysis)
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
Robust recently provided "feedback" suggesting I had overlooked a specific "activity" in the Forbidden Forest, as well as the profane introduction of a specific character. Let the record show that Robust is conflating Chapter 3 with Chapter 4. The "activity" and the arrival of an uncharacteristically foul-mouthed Headmaster occur in the next chapter. However, to satisfy his demand for exhaustive, line-by-line agony, here is the definitive analysis of Chapter 3.
The Author's Warning
"AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte."
The author's paranoia regarding the "preps" has escalated to all-caps shouting. She graciously disclaims ownership of Good Charlotte's lyrics, which is perhaps the only legally and morally sound decision she makes in the entire text.
The Aesthetics of Despair
"On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky."
Another chapter, another exhaustive inventory of garments. The phrase "all this corset stuff" is particularly evocative, showcasing a masterful command of descriptive vocabulary.
"I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert."
Here we find the most genuinely disturbing passage of the narrative. The author treats self-harm not as a psychological crisis, but as a casual aesthetic accessory—an activity wedged between styling hair and applying eyeliner. She "waits for it to stop bleeding" while reading a book and listening to pop-punk. It is a grotesque trivialization of suffering, deployed entirely for "goffik" clout. She finishes this horrifying routine by casually drinking human blood.
The 666 Mercedes-Benz
"I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)."
Draco Malfoy, pureblood aristocrat, is wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy skater pants. The author feels compelled to defend his eyeliner usage via an Author's Note ("A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!").
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice. “Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
A flying Mercedes-Benz with a 666 license plate. The subtlety is staggering. Furthermore, they smoke "cigarettes and drugs." Not any specific narcotic. Just "drugs." It reads exactly like an eleven-year-old trying to sound dangerously adult.
The Concert and The Jealousy
We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. “You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
The author painstakingly pastes Good Charlotte lyrics into the text, interrupting the narrative flow to remind us, once again, that she does not own them.
“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad. “What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
They are having a nuanced emotional conversation while simultaneously moshing in the front row of a pop-punk concert.
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
To reassure Draco, Ebony resorts to violently denigrating Hilary Duff. Female solidarity is clearly not a priority for Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
The Cliffhanger
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!
They acquire merchandise, drink beer, and return to the flying Mercedes. Then, in a dramatic twist punctuated by an excessive number of ellipses, Draco drives them into the Forbidden Forest.
This sets the stage for the infamous events of Chapter 4. Take note, Robust: the activity has not yet occurred. But it is coming. God help us all, it is coming.