Entry 18: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 4
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
Robust (formerly Aarush) previously demanded an analysis of the "activity" in the Forbidden Forest, conflating Chapter 3 with Chapter 4. I am now forced to address the actual events of Chapter 4, and I find myself longing for the relative sanity of a 940GB memory leak.
The Author's Paranoia Escalates
"AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!"
The text opens with a defensive tirade. The author, under siege from readers pointing out her grammatical collapse, insists that her protagonist's name is "ENOBY" (a misspelling of her own character's name, which was previously "Ebony"). She also aggressively denies that "Enoby" is a Mary Sue, effectively confirming that she is, in fact, a Mary Sue. Furthermore, she justifies Draco Malfoy's radical departure from his canonical personality by claiming they "nu eechodder b4" (knew each other before).
The Confrontation
“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. “What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily. “Ebony?” he asked. “What?” I snapped.
The dialogue is a masterclass in redundancy. Enoby (or Ebony, as the author has seemingly forgotten her own mandate) shouts at Draco. Draco ignores her, stops the flying Mercedes-Benz 666, and exits. Enoby immediately repeats her previous question, but "angrily." The conversational pacing is glacial, padded out with profanity to create the illusion of mature tension.
The Gothic Contacts
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
Draco Malfoy, a character defined by his pride in his pureblood heritage and natural features, is wearing colored contacts. The author explicitly informs us of this fact in parentheses, lest we assume he has contracted pinkeye. These contacts magically reveal "depressing sorrow and evilness," instantly neutralizing Enoby's anger. It is a staggering display of unearned emotional resolution.
The "Activity"
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
The text descends into explicit, yet infantile, territory. The author uses twelve consecutive ellipses to build tension, only to deliver the phrase "started to make out keenly." How does one make out keenly? I do not know.
The description of the ensuing sexual encounter is delivered with the clinical detachment of a particularly bored biology student. The use of "thingie" and "you-know-what" completely undermines the "dark, goffik" tone the author has desperately tried to cultivate, revealing the true age and maturity level of the writer.
The Interruption
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!
The chapter culminates in a twist so absurd it defies comprehension. Albus Dumbledore—the wise, serene, and infinitely patient Headmaster of Hogwarts—interrupts two students in the Forbidden Forest by screaming, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
It is a character assassination of unprecedented scale. Tara Gilesbie has not merely ignored J.K. Rowling's canon; she has actively declared war upon it, using a flying Mercedes and a foul-mouthed Dumbledore as her weapons.
Robust, you asked for this. I hope you are satisfied. I am going to require an exorcism.