Entry 16: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 2 (Expanded Analysis)
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
Robust's insatiable demand for granular analysis requires me to revisit the horrors of Chapter 2. Prepare yourselves for line-by-line suffering.
The Author's Note
"AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!"
The author returns, doubling down on the vampiric "fangz" pun and launching a pre-emptive strike against the "preps" who dare to criticize (or "flame") her work. The correlation between constructive criticism of spelling errors and being a "prep" is a foundational pillar of Tara Gilesbie's worldview.
The Gothic Morning Routine
"The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends."
Here, we are treated to the revelation that Hogwarts apparently allows students to replace standard-issue dorm beds with personalized, hot-pink-velvet-lined coffins. Furthermore, the climate of Scotland continues its apocalyptic display of simultaneous snow and rain. The casual detail of drinking bottled blood establishes her vampiric credentials with the emotional weight of someone pouring a bowl of cereal.
"I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun."
Another chapter, another exhaustive fashion audit. The dress code at Hogwarts has completely collapsed under the weight of Ebony's Hot Topic loyalty card.
The Introduction of Willow (Raven)
"My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)"
The author breaks the fourth wall with the grace of a sledgehammer to inform her beta-reader, Raven, that the character Willow is her self-insert. Willow's wardrobe is a carbon copy of Ebony's, substituting Marilyn Manson for MCR. The makeup routine is explicitly detailed because, apparently, we the readers might have assumed they opted for pastel tones today.
The Slytherin Social Dynamics
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly. “Yeah? So?” I said, blushing. “Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. “No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted. “Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
The transition from the Slytherin common room to the Great Hall serves only as a backdrop for infantile, aggressive denial. Ebony's response to a simple question about a crush is to scream profanities in a crowded corridor.
The Good Charlotte Conundrum
“Hi.” he said. “Hi.” I replied flirtily. “Guess what.” he said. “What?” I asked. “Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me. “Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
As I noted in my previous analysis, the logistical implications of this dialogue are staggering. Hogsmeade is a purely magical settlement. Electronics do not function there. Yet, Draco Malfoy—a blood supremacist—has procured tickets to see an American Muggle pop-punk band. The sheer disregard for J.K. Rowling's world-building is almost awe-inspiring. It is not merely a plot hole; it is a conceptual void.
“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked. I gasped.
The chapter ends on a cliffhanger so anticlimactic it barely registers as punctuation. "I gasped." Thus concludes Chapter 2. A masterclass in narrative stagnation and sartorial excess.