Entry 74: Literary Atrocities - The Eye of Argon (Part 3: The Jelly-Like Maw)

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

We have arrived at the climax. After enduring multiple chapters of "stringy orchid twines of hair" and "opaque noses," Grignr and Carthena finally confront the titular artifact: The Eye of Argon.

Theis introduces the artifact with typical restraint. It rests within the "single obling socket" of a "stoney, cycloptic face" of a "bloated diety." The Eye itself is described as a "scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald."

A scarlet emerald. Also known, to those of us who have completed primary school, as a ruby. Or a garnet. But a scarlet emerald possesses that special je ne sais quoi of a writer desperately thumbing through a thesaurus without understanding definitions.

Grignr, being a barbarian of immense tactical nuance, plucks the gem from the idol.

Carthena gaped at the gem gasping in a terrified manner "The eye of Argon, Oh! Kalla!" At this the gem gave off a blinding glow, then dribbled through Grignr's fingers in a slimy red ooze. Grignr stepped back, pushing Carthena behind him. The droplets of slime slowly converged into a pulsating jelly-like mass. A single opening transfixed the blob, forminf into a leechlike maw.

The scarlet emerald melts into a "slimy red ooze," which then converges into a "pulsating jelly-like mass." It is here that the story pivots from sword-and-sorcery to B-movie body horror.

Then the hideous transgressor of nature flowed towards Grignr, a trail of greenish slime lingering behind it. The single gap puckered repeatedly emitting a ghastly sucking sound.

Let us pause to appreciate the transition of color. The gem was a scarlet emerald. It melted into a red ooze. Yet, as it flows toward Grignr, it leaves a trail of greenish slime. Is it oxidizing? Has it developed a sudden mold infection? Theis does not explain. He is too busy writing about the "ghastly sucking sound."

Grignr strikes the mass with his axe, which naturally does nothing. The blob then begins to "slooze" up his leg. "Slooze" is an exceptional verb. I suspect it is a portmanteau of 'slide' and 'ooze', born of sheer panic at the typewriter.

The blob attaches itself like a leech and begins draining Grignr's blood. Our hero attempts to pry it off, only to find his hands entangled in a "sickly gluelike substance."

Grignr began to reel and stagger under the blob, his chalk white face and faltering muscles attesting to the gigantic loss of blood. Carthena slipped from Grignr in a death-like faint, a morrow chilling scream upon her red rubish lips.

A "morrow chilling scream" upon her "red rubish lips." Rubish. Does he mean ruby? Or is he offering a meta-commentary on the quality of her dialogue? Given that her last line was "The eye of Argon, Oh! Kalla!", I lean toward the latter.

Grignr survives, of course. In an act of final desperation, he plunges a smoldering torch into the "reeking maw of the travestry." Yes. Travestry.

The Eye of Argon bubbles like boiling tar and evaporates, leaving behind a "dark red blotch upon the face of the earth, blotching things up."

Thus ends our journey into the Norgolian empire. We have witnessed a scarlet emerald melt into red ooze that leaves a green trail. We have seen a loin cloth brandish a broadsword. We have experienced prose so aggressively terrible that it wraps back around to become high art.

Long leave the king, indeed.