Entry 73: Literary Atrocities - The Eye of Argon (Part 2: The Tavern at Gorzom)

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

In my previous entry, I introduced you to Grignr, a barbarian whose physical prowess is matched only by author Jim Theis's catastrophic inability to wield a thesaurus. Today, we delve into Chapter Two, wherein Grignr arrives in the city of Gorzom and enters a tavern.

Observe the scene:

Arriving after dusk in Gorzom, grignr descended down a dismal alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors, and cheap wine. The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing from smolderingtorches encased within theden's earthen packed walls. Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves, and cutthroats, tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.

Here, Theis successfully creates an atmosphere. It is the atmosphere of a young teenager who has just discovered Conan the Barbarian and is desperately trying to synthesize grit. We have "chocking" fumes. We have smoldering torches encased in "theden's" walls (the den's walls).

But the true atrocity begins when Grignr decides to "wholesomely occupy his time."

Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.

"Wholesomely occupy his time" with a "half naked harlot."

Let us analyze her physiology. She has "stringy orchid twines of hair." Hair like orchids. Stringy orchids. But the true masterpiece is her "lithe opaque nose."

What is an opaque nose? A nose that you cannot see through. As opposed to all the transparent noses one typically encounters in a dimly lit tavern? Is this a world where translucent cartilage is the norm, and an opaque nose is a sign of immense beauty?

She notices his approach:

Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword, an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.

"The alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant." Theis has achieved a level of synecdoche where a complexion is capable of independent observation.

And then we have Grignr's attire. He is "naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword." The loin cloth is brandishing the sword. This implies either a highly dexterous piece of fabric, or a profound misunderstanding of anatomy.

"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian", questioned the female? "Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr, as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who welcomed them with open willingness.

The dialogue is a masterclass in stiffness. "Thou hast need to occupy your time." No human has ever spoken this sentence, particularly not a harlot with an opaque nose in a chocking tavern.

"From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?" Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.

His flaming mouth. Is Grignr breathing fire? Or has he consumed too much of the tavern's cheap wine?

Later, we learn her name is Carthena, and she is hiding from the palace guards. But the plot is entirely secondary to the sheer weight of the adjectives dragging it down.

In my next entry, we shall examine the titular artifact itself—the Eye of Argon—which we have already been warned will turn into a "pulsating jelly-like mass" with a "leechlike maw."

I must fetch more scotch. The Norgolian empire demands it.