Entry 35: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 10
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
The tenth chapter of 'My Immortal' abandons the immediate threat of Voldemort in favor of establishing a gothic metal band. It is a whiplash-inducing shift in tone that culminates in an unearned and thoroughly incomprehensible tragedy.
The author's note provides further clarification regarding the character of B'loody Mary Smith (formerly Hermione Granger):
AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
The author deploys a homophobic slur with the casual ease of punctuation. We are also informed that Hermione/B'loody Mary is no longer a Muggle-born, and both she and Harry/Vampire are "evil," which justifies their reassignment to Slytherin. The fundamental themes of Harry Potter have been entirely cannibalized by Hot Topic aesthetics.
The Band Rehearsal
Ebony decides the best way to cope with being ordered to assassinate Harry Potter by the Dark Lord is to attend band practice.
I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar... The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.
Let us examine this lineup. The band consists of the protagonist, Hermione, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley (now renamed "Diabolo" with blue-streaked hair), and Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid, the half-giant gamekeeper of Hogwarts, is apparently the rhythm section for a teenage gothic metal band. The mind recoils at the logistics of Hagrid attempting to play a standard drum kit.
The Confrontation
Draco and Vampire are absent due to "depression." Ebony bursts into tears mid-song and confesses Voldemort's ultimatum to the band. Draco, who was apparently hiding behind a wall the entire time, jumps out.
“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)
The author pauses the narrative to ask the reader if Draco calling Ebony a "poser muggle bitch" is out of character. It is a stunning display of authorial insecurity in a text that has thus far demonstrated zero self-awareness.
Draco runs out crying.
The Climax
The chapter ends with the arrival of Albus Dumbledore.
We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache. “What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”
The band continues practicing for an hour after Draco's emotional breakdown. Dumbledore arrives and "cries wisely," an adverbial pairing that defies linguistic logic. He then announces that Draco Malfoy has committed suicide.
The author has escalated from adolescent melodrama to suicide in the span of three paragraphs. It is unearned, deeply insensitive, and structurally baffling, particularly given the author's previous assertion that vampires can only be killed by "a c-r-o-s-s or a steak."
I must conclude this analysis. My blood pressure has reached alarming levels.