Entry 34: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 9
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
The descent continues. Chapter 9 of 'My Immortal' abandons all pretense of narrative cohesion and introduces us to a Voldemort who utilizes firearms and telekinesis. It is a spectacular failure of genre comprehension.
The author's note is, yet again, a masterpiece of defensive incoherence:
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
The author openly admits to not having read the source material ("da boox") and blames the cinematic adaptations for Dumbledore's profanity. She then introduces a staggering theological conflict: Professor Snape dislikes Harry "Vampire" Potter because Snape is a Christian and Harry is a Satanist. This religious schism is introduced with zero preamble and immediately abandoned in favor of shouting out the band My Chemical Romance.
The Dark Lord Approacheth
The protagonist, Ebony, is crying against a tree when the primary antagonist arrives.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
The specification that Voldemort "wasn't gothic" is deeply amusing. The Dark Lord, murderer of thousands and embodiment of magical evil, has failed to meet the protagonist's sartorial standards.
He attempts to use the Imperius curse on her. She fights back by shouting the name of Hermione Granger's cat.
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
The word "Crookshanks" is apparently a spell capable of incapacitating the most powerful dark wizard in history.
The Ultimate Threat
Voldemort demands that Ebony murder her former lover, Harry "Vampire" Potter. When she refuses, the Dark Lord deploys his ultimate weapon.
Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
Lord Voldemort, a wizard who fundamentally despises Muggles and all their inventions, hands a teenage girl a firearm. It is a moment of such profound canonical ignorance that it almost loops back around to genius.
When asked how he knows she cares about Draco Malfoy, Voldemort replies:
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.
Telekinesis is the ability to move objects with one's mind. It has absolutely nothing to do with reading minds (legilimency/telepathy). The Dark Lord uses pseudo-Shakespearian grammar ("I hath") to incorrectly define a psychic phenomenon while holding a handgun.
The Resolution
Draco Malfoy arrives moments later. He is wearing "white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way."
Ebony apologizes for accusing him of cheating on her in the previous chapter. Draco says "That's okay," and they immediately return to the castle making out. The trauma of being handed a firearm by the Dark Lord and ordered to commit murder is entirely forgotten in favor of adolescent tonsil hockey.
I am exhausted.