Entry 30: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 6

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

My descent into the grammatical abyss continues. Chapter 6 of 'My Immortal' introduces us to a fundamental misunderstanding of vampiric lore, breakfast cereal, and basic biology.

The author's note opens with characteristic hostility and extortion:

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The sheer audacity of demanding praise for this drivel is almost admirable. It takes a certain kind of sociopathic confidence to produce something this catastrophically flawed and then hold the narrative hostage until it receives positive reinforcement.

A Gothic Breakfast

The protagonist begins her day by awaking in a coffin, completely nullifying the concept of a Hogwarts dormitory. She then describes her morning routine:

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

I must pause here. Count Chocula is a mass-produced, marshmallow-infused breakfast cereal marketed to children. The juxtaposition of a supposed immortal creature of the night pouring actual human blood over a bowl of chocolate-flavored corn puffs is a comedic masterstroke, albeit entirely unintentional. It is the culinary equivalent of pouring a fine vintage Bordeaux over a lukewarm hotdog.

The Introduction of "Vampire"

Her breakfast ruined, she lashes out at the clumsy student, only to be struck by his appearance.

...I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

The student is Harry Potter. Except he has eradicated every single distinguishing physical characteristic that identifies him as Harry Potter. He has no scar, no glasses, red eyes, and apparently looks exactly like Joel Madden, the lead singer of an American pop-punk band.

Furthermore, we are told he has a "sexy English accent." Given that Hogwarts is located in Scotland and Harry Potter is a British character residing in a British boarding school, specifying that he has an English accent is roughly as necessary as specifying that the sky is upwards.

The Great Confession

Their interaction is brief, stilted, and deeply confusing.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled. “Why?” I exclaimed. “Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled. “Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed. “Really?” he whimpered. “Yeah.” I roared.

Harry Potter has renamed himself "Vampire." It is a moniker of staggering unoriginality. One does not rename oneself "Human" simply because one enjoys breathing oxygen. Furthermore, the dialogue tags are deployed with the chaos of a random word generator. Harry Potter "giggles" about drinking blood, then "whimpers" in surprise, while the protagonist "roars" a confirmation.

The chapter concludes with Draco Malfoy arriving to present a surprise, a cliffhanger that threatens to propel the narrative into even more excruciating territory.

I must conclude this analysis. I feel my own neurons initiating apoptosis in self-defense.