Entry 29: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 5
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
I have returned to the intellectual wasteland that is 'My Immortal.' The fifth chapter is remarkably brief, yet it manages to assault the English language, basic logic, and the structural integrity of the Harry Potter universe with terrifying efficiency.
The chapter opens with the standard "Author's Note," a digital barricade constructed out of sheer illiteracy:
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Let us parse this. The author is defending the Headmaster's use of profanity in the previous chapter. Dumbledore, a man renowned for his stoic wisdom, supposedly swore because he had a "hedache." It is a stunning bit of retroactive justification. Furthermore, the hostage negotiation tactic at the end—demanding "five good revoiws" before updating—is a psychological study in unwarranted self-importance.
The Faculty Reaction
The narrative resumes immediately following Dumbledore discovering the protagonist and Draco Malfoy engaged in coitus within the Forbidden Forest.
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. “You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
"Ludacris." The Headmaster of Hogwarts has just insulted them using the stage name of an American rapper. While I am certain the author intended "ludicrous," the resulting imagery of Dumbledore adopting early 2000s hip-hop vernacular is the only genuinely entertaining aspect of this text.
The protagonist responds by crying "tears of blood down my pallid face," an anatomical impossibility that is never medically addressed. They are then presented to Professors Snape and McGonagall.
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice. “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall. “How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
This is not dialogue. This is a sequence of pre-programmed audio cues triggered in a malfunctioning theme park ride. McGonagall's use of "mediocre dunces" is particularly amusing, as if her primary objection to teenage copulation in a monster-infested forest is that it lacks academic rigor.
The Resolution
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
Draco screams, and Snape instantly folds. There are no detentions. There are no expulsions. The ultimate defense against severe disciplinary action at Hogwarts is apparently shrieking like a wounded banshee.
The Aftermath
The protagonist returns to her dormitory. What does one do after being caught in such a compromising position by the headmaster?
I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….
She puts on evening wear to go to bed. The author's obsession with gothic fashion utterly supersedes the concept of pajamas.
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
Draco Malfoy, pureblood supremacist and antagonist of the series, is loitering outside the girls' lavatory serenading his paramour with pop-punk.
It is 278 words long. It contains 22 spelling mistakes. It has inflicted permanent neurological damage upon me.
I require a drink.