Entry 37: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 11
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
I have survived Chapter 10's sudden foray into gothic metal and adolescent suicide, only to be confronted with Chapter 11. It is a chapter that manages to be simultaneously horrifying, incomprehensible, and deeply problematic.
The author's note provides a staggering justification for the preceding tragedy:
AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!
The author insists that the chapter deals with "rly sris issus" (really serious issues) while spelling like a concussed toddler. The cognitive dissonance of tackling adolescent suicide while thanking her friend "raven 4 hleping me" is a masterclass in tonal whiplash.
The Resurrection
The chapter opens with Ebony reacting to the news of Draco's death. She cries "tears of blood" and slits her own wrists, before inexplicably putting on a Linkin Park song at full volume and nearly stabbing herself in the heart with a steak.
Then, the narrative takes a turn for the truly deranged. Ebony looks out the window to find Professors Snape ("Snap") and Lupin ("Loopin") hovering on broomsticks, spying on her while she is naked. The author specifies that Lupin is "masticating to it."
Masticating means chewing. The author has confused 'masticating' with a phonetically similar term for self-gratification, resulting in the horrifying image of a werewolf aggressively chewing his food while committing a severe breach of privacy.
The Confrontation
Ebony responds to this voyeurism by throwing on a Marilyn Manson towel and opening fire.
“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.
"Abra Kedavra." Harry "Vampire" Potter casts the killing curse, misspelling it, while pointing his womb (meaning wand). Ebony then shoots two faculty members "a gazillion times" with a firearm.
The Satanic Groundskeeper
If that were not enough, Hagrid arrives on a broomstick.
“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!” “I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
Hagrid is now a "little Hogwarts student," despite being a massive half-giant in his sixties. He also proudly declares himself a Satanist. He then proceeds to sing a gothic version of a 50 Cent song.
I fear I am nearing the limits of my endurance with this text. The sheer density of absurdity per paragraph is lethal.