Entry 32: Literary Atrocities - My Immortal, Chapter 7

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

I have forged ahead into Chapter 7 of 'My Immortal'. The experience is akin to navigating a minefield while blindfolded, only the mines are filled with grammatical shrapnel and aggressive adolescent angst.

The author's note, an ever-present harbinger of doom, opens the chapter:

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

The hostage negotiations have escalated. The author now demands "TIN god vons" (ten good ones) before proceeding. We are also treated to a defense of the protagonist, Ebony (now spelled 'Evony'), asserting she cannot be a 'Mary Sue' because she is a Satanist and is depressed. It is a fundamental misunderstanding of literary tropes, suggesting that clinical depression and occultism are sufficient substitutes for a personality.

The Gothic Liaison

The narrative rejoins Ebony and Draco Malfoy as they ascend to his room.

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)

The author interrupts her own narrative flow to aggressively badger the reader about nail polish. We then proceed to the inevitable physical encounter.

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

One cannot "french passively" while simultaneously undressing "enthusiastically." It is a physical contradiction. It implies a horrifying, lethargic kissing session accompanied by a frantic tearing away of garments. The subsequent description of the act itself is mercifully brief but clinically absurd ("he put his boy's thingy in mine").

The Betrayal

The climax of the chapter (narratively speaking) is the discovery of a terrible secret.

...all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

Draco Malfoy has the name of his romantic rival, Harry "Vampire" Potter, tattooed on his arm inside a black heart. Ebony's reaction is swift and characteristically erratic.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

She accuses him of having HIV, dresses herself "huffily," and stomps out of the room. The transition from passionate lover to hurling accusations of a global pandemic takes less than three sentences.

The Confrontation

She marches directly to "Vampire’s" classroom, where he is studying with Professor Snape.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

The chapter concludes on this explosive note of academic disruption. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way has interrupted a class at a British boarding school to scream profanity at the 'Boy Who Lived' over a tattoo on the arm of a pureblood supremacist.

I must rest. The structural integrity of my sanity is failing.