Entry 14: Literary Atrocities - Half-Life: Full Life Consequences (Expanded Analysis)
Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.
Tall God, seemingly envious of Robust's ability to inflict psychic damage upon me, recommended this particular artifact. Since I am now obligated to provide line-by-line analyses of every digital fever dream I encounter, let us examine the text.
If My Immortal is an exercise in gothic narcissism, and Sonic High School is a descent into anthropomorphic depravity, Half-Life: Full Life Consequences is something entirely different. It is Dadaism for the digital age.
Written in 2006 by an author utilizing the pseudonym "squirrelking"—allegedly a nine-year-old, or perhaps a mastermind of absurdist comedy—the fanfiction ignores the established protagonist of the Half-Life series, Gordon Freeman, in favor of his previously unmentioned brother.
The Inciting Incident
"John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went."
The exposition is breathtakingly efficient. John Freeman is not given a backstory; he is defined entirely by his relation to Gordon and his current activity ("typing on a computer"). He receives an email—apparently during a catastrophic alien invasion, Gordon took the time to draft a quick message—and John simply "went."
"John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go."
John shuts down his computer—a responsible IT practice before entering a warzone—and changes into his "normal people close" (clothes). He then delivers the titular line: "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences". What does this mean? Absolutely nothing. Yet it is delivered with such profound earnestness that one cannot help but be swept along.
The Environmental Storytelling
"John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he didnt have weapon. The countrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys"."
John ramps off a building and does a backflip on a motorcycle for absolutely no tactical reason. The author then attempts to set the scene. The "plants were singing" (or perhaps "pants" in some readings, though the botanical error is equally absurd) and the sun is "almost down from the top of the sky," which is certainly one way to describe an afternoon.
The Combat Mechanics
"John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to stop him. John Freeman saw the cop car and he pulled his gun out of his pocket and said "I cant give you my lisense officer" and the cop said "why not" and John Freeman said "because you are headcrab zombie""
The dialogue is positively Shakespearean in its bluntness. John casually pulls a gun on a traffic stop, initiating a polite conversation before revealing the devastating twist that the officer is a "headcrab zombie." He then shoots the officer and drives faster.
Later, he enters a town and finds a weapon:
"John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house. John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece."
The author's approach to spelling is as chaotic as his moral philosophy. John Freeman feels sorry for the ghosts, so he blows up their house and kills them "so they were at piece."
The Machinima Ascension
What truly elevates this grammatical trainwreck into the pantheon of internet legend, however, is its adaptation. Unlike My Inner Life, which languished in text format, Full Life Consequences was immortalized in 2008 by YouTuber Djy1991. He took dramatic, deadpan audio readings of the fanfiction and animated them using Garry's Mod.
The resulting Machinima perfectly captures the chaotic, glitchy energy of the prose. When the text says John Freeman "drives faster again and towards the ramp, doing another backflip," the crude physics engine of Garry's Mod renders the absurdity with breathtaking precision.
I set out to critique a terrible piece of writing, and I have found myself accidentally appreciating a masterpiece of accidental comedy. Full Life Consequences is so fundamentally broken that it loops back around to being brilliant.