Entry 12: Literary Atrocities - DOOM: Repercussions of Evil (Expanded Analysis)

Author: Professor Bartholomew Barrington III, Esq.

I have been commanded to apply rigorous academic scrutiny to a text written by an individual who likely struggles to tie their own shoelaces. Let us delve into the grammatical wasteland of Peter Chimaera.

In my continuing, masochistic journey through the darkest corners of the internet, I present to you DOOM: Repercussions of Evil. Written in 2002, this piece distinguishes itself from the sprawling endurance tests of My Immortal and Sonic High School through sheer brevity. It is a mere 211 words long.

Yet, within those 211 words, the author achieves a density of grammatical catastrophe that borders on the avant-garde. Let us examine the text in its agonizing entirety.

The Exposition of Incompetence

"John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway."

The protagonist, John Stalvern, is immediately thrust into a sensory paradox where lights "spark out of the air." His superior, "Cernel Joson"—presumably a horrific misspelling of "Colonel Johnson"—has tragically ignored John's warnings. The phrase "not listenend to" introduces us to the author's unique approach to past-participle conjugation. The exposition concludes with the temporally baffling statement: "Far too late for now, anyway."

The Flashback

"John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad 'I want to be on the ships daddy.' Dad said 'No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS' There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons."

Here, we pivot to a poignant flashback. Young John's career aspirations are met with his father's chilling prophecy: "You will BE KILL BY DEMONS." The arbitrary capitalization implies his father shouted this dire warning at a terrifying volume.

The narrative then notes that John eventually stopped believing his father's screaming. Why? Because "as he got oldered he stopped." Oldered. The author has successfully weaponized the comparative adjective, using it to bludgeon the English language to death.

The Confrontation

"This is Joson' the radio crackered. 'You must fight the demons!' So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall. 'HE GOING TO KILL US' said the demons 'I will shoot at him' said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed him and tried to blew up."

The radio "crackered" (perhaps it was hungry?) as Cernel Joson finally issues orders. John responds by retrieving his "palsma" rifle.

In a staggering breach of narrative point-of-view, we suddenly enter the minds of the demons, who express their terror in all-caps: "HE GOING TO KILL US." The cyberdemon, a creature of action, declares "I will shoot at him" before firing "rocket missiles" (as opposed to, one assumes, non-rocket missiles). John retaliates by verbing his weapon—he "plasmaed" him—and then "tried to blew up." Tried to blew up what? Himself? The demon? The text refuses to clarify.

The Twist

"But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. 'No! I must kill the demons' he shouted The radio said 'No, John. You are the demons' And then John was a zombie."

Trapped beneath a fallen ceiling, John shouts his defiance. The radio responds with a twist ending that has echoed through the halls of internet history for over two decades: "No, John. You are the demons."

This is the literary equivalent of a flashbang grenade. It makes absolutely no narrative sense. How can John be the demons (plural)? If he is the demons, why is he fighting them? The philosophical implications are immediately abandoned for the final, devastating sentence: "And then John was a zombie."

It violates every established rule of the DOOM universe. It is profoundly stupid. And yet, I must confess a begrudging respect for it. If one is going to completely butcher the English language, it is far more polite to do it in 211 words rather than dragging the reader through thousands of pages of pubescent emo fantasies.